December 27, 2015

My Beautiful Rose

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This is what comes from the thrift shop search. You find things that just reach out and answer that part of your soul. When you see it, it doesn't matter if it is brand new or made by famous hands; it's just beautiful and you don't want it to impress others, but to appreciate it for its very own simple beauty that reaches out and strikes a cord in your heart.

~Thoughts of a Dreamer~

December 18, 2015

To Love From A Distance

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An interesting concept I had to bring to a friend of mine's attention was to love from a distance. This does not mean a love for someone in long distance relationship, but to still have love for a person who broke your heart in one way or another.

I learned this at a younger age when I would see such beauty and heart in a boys, but the choices they were making were self destructive and it would break my heart. So, without bitterness, hate, spite, or mournful woe, I would carry this love in my heart and silently send secret prayers and good hopes for them. This of course was not for every boy with handsome face that I would see. Each boy that I felt this for had something about them that genuinely captured me in a pure state if awe. However, at the time of junior high, no other kids were concerned with such things; so naturally there was no one to share this experience with.

Fast forwarding to the future of my continuing this, it seemed that I had gained a knew understanding of the result of such an act of loving from a distance. I realized that after a while of me securing this type of love reserved only for those i had seen that awe and beauty within, it became second nature to just come back to a mindset of love when they would hurt me by hurting themselves, which would then, in an interesting way, turn into a form of healthy indifference.

Now when some thinks of indifference, they think of it in a hue if negativity born out of a desire to pull away from their torment that was caused by another. In this case this type of indifference isn't settled upon by going from love, to pain, to neutral/unfeeling, but going from love, to pain, to hope and best wishes because of that love, and then an acceptance of a state of neutral detachment that keeps the one who possesses that profound love from taking on the self-destructive patterns from the one they love.

Now if this understanding was applied to situations of heart break and that steady bitterness that makes it harder for a person to heal emotionally and to trust other people with their hearts was prevented from settling in, you would end up with people who are more loving, understanding, and more willing to put themselves out their in a more genuine, sincere way.

What society has in place today is a dysfunctional understanding of emotional healing that makes it so a person could go on for years trying to deal with their emotional trauma, if in fact they have a mind to do so. A lot of people are still vexed deeply about experiences in their past that when looked at, one could see the rickety foundation of ignorance in the emotionally traumatic situation. It is something that won't be taught because of the fact that it is so selfless and I something one needs to work at.

It is so easy to run from letting yourself feel anything beyond comfortable. We take risks by caring for others but these risks make for a better person, because it pushes the boundaries of what we would do for another and why. It pulls us from that selfish want of only self comfort and gets us to learn more about who we are and how we want to be. We also learn different ways to deal with those extreme emotions and that consume energy, so that they can be handled better in the future.

There are those of us who are good at the cold, basic needs for living that need to learn how to deal with the emotional side of living, as an emotional creature, as well. The reverse is also true. In equal parts these things should be acknowledged and nurtured, but the hard part is achieving both first before being able to pass the knowledge down so that there is some possibility for future change in people.

It is possible to make impacts and change the world, but the normal, detached ways to do this aren't enough; you have to have your heart in it to really make an impact either on one, few, many, or billions. Just be brave enough to feel.


~Thoughts of a Dreamer~

December 13, 2015

She Came In A Whisper

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Stillness is never still.
It is as loud as a whisper,
Reverberating through time and space.
"Peace," it states.
This is a comand.
The moment you hear it,
Is the moment you choose it,
The moment you accept it,
You become it.
And it becomes us because,
That whisper originated,
From the unity of Our Hearts.

December 9, 2015

Lady of Shalott

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Am I her,
The lady of Shalott?
Is my device the mirror,
From which I weave
Stories and yarn
Based on what I see?
Am I cursed to see,
The pale falsity,
Of shadows,
And will I be punished,
If I seek sincerity and truth,
From a world that is of
Shadows to my eyes?
Will my heart be stolen,
By the sight of a truly,
Beautiful man who,
Breathes sincerity,
And is a noble knight of truth?
Will the screen on,
My nextbook crack,
And all I have woven,
Turn blank as,
The raging winds,
Come to collapse me,
In my tower?
Am I destined to,
Float down the,
Stream of media,
To his phone,
Only to have him,
Find my accident,
A Damb Shame?

Or is it,
I am the spirit,
Of the Lady,
Who refuses to have,
Her story end,
The same?

Longing For A Storm

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I long for a storm. In the most ernest way, I would admire its passing with a freshly brewed cup of tea as I sit in the kitchen,looking out the window. My stormy clouds and myself. It is magic to my eyes and i am drawn to its splendor. The fault I morn is my human frailty that would prevent me from enrapturing myself in its elemental grace.
Oh sweet storm.
The monotonous stillness barley achieved by people who partake in it out of default, unless they are rowsed, brings a dry crease to my eyes. A cleansing is needed. We need the taste of nature to reconnect with. And I wish to fly amongst the rainy lightning haze as the masmatic tar of stagnancy melts from my feathers of freedom.

December 7, 2015

Waiting For Gold

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These moments,
The kids next door quarrel,
Some one scrapes outside,
It's cold but I'm burning,
My seat rests uncomfortable below me,
And evert ten minutes,
I sneeze.

But I sit,
In my room to meet,
The light of sundown,
As it dances gold
In the blue of my curtains,
Oh, the hue is magic.

Not heavy like a rock,
And not cold either,
The golden rays,
Dance playfully,
With the soft blue,
As if lovers.

Waiting in anticipation,
I smile because i know,
The true gold that everyone seeks,
Will forever be out of their reach,
Because they want to harness it,
Trap it, make it cold, and hard,
I feel honored just to be graced,
With the sight of it's passing,
For its Freedom,
Is a gift enough for me.
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I found it:

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Unconditionally So

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What is it that we want exactly? What is the core of our want? What created it like a flame upon wood? What lit that spark? Some say as a child that they want love but, as we grow older, the truth of love that resides in our hearts soon becomes over shadowed with the idea of love rattling around in our heads. Why must this be? As children our knowing was deep and unjaded but as we grow, forming the thick callous of cynical rigidity that adult life has to offer, it becomes tainted and twisted. It is either a thing that is so magnificent that in order for it to grace our hearts the heavens would have to open up and deliver that one true love on a silver platter, or, it is a figment of fanciful fairytale nonsense caused by mere chemical reaction. As children we love every living thing but that soul deep knowing gets clouded when we are taught hate, despare, selfishness, greed, and all the other states of being that reside in the shadows of life.

However, I can see there is a purpose for it all, even when we say their is none. We come back with re-affirmations about love and it fills us with joy, strength, and a new understanding that really protects us from the slithering leaches of negativity. So, this means this negatively serves a purpose? These trials and tribulations all have a point, even if we refuse to see them? Interesting how bouncing back from the veil of night is actually more an act of growth than mere survival. As in a song by Enya said, "you know love is with you when you rise, for night and day belong to Love." Interesting indeed.

~Thoughts of a Dreamer~

December 2, 2015

Star Lit Souls We Are

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One of the hardest things to overcome is the fear of the unknown. Like a viperous snake it wraps around your sense of adventure and chokes it with the biting stings of "what if" and "I don't know". The creeping spider of the shadow of doubt starts to solidify as one big, red-eyed arachnid that settles its self on your stomach as it stirs and stings your nerves. When does it stop? When does this hellish torture of future ignorance stop? When does the breath of life come in and offer us relief?

When we want it. When we say no more. When we decide to cut the bonds us to a chair with the words of wisdom woven from the lips of hope its self. We have the power to look fear in the face and say, "I don't hate you, I Love you," and watch as every inch of it shrinks and shrivels in pure disgust as it gets replaced with the very reflection of a stronger us. Then we look down to see this fear shriveled into a small bead for us to string tightly to the lace of accomplishments we carry proudly around our necks, right along with the others.

It is a reminder of the things we've overcome and a lesson very well learned, for we still breathe and that fear helped us become stronger. Rejoice.

~Thoughts of a Dreamer~

November 29, 2015

Freedom

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When we are spent and broken by the trials life throws our way, it feels like ages before we are able to sip at the clarity of life once more. The sad thing is it can be ages. We can wait half a lifetime before saying "I'm sorry", before uttering in defeat "I forgive you", or even whispering in our heads " things happen for a reason". It seldom has to be this way.

I learned early on the only clarity I would see when I'm amidst my newest woe, is the the clarity from complete strangers. Why them? It is because the man who is pushing his daughters stroller is singing to her and she is laughing, the old lady who is feisty and sweet just gave her grand daughter a smile as she snuck a piece of cake, and the man who just got off of work with his shirt looped in his belt just picked a pretty purple flower and smelt it as he held it gently in his rough hands.

These are used matches that helped me to see that things were never going to stay miserable. These remnants of light helped me see past the murk of the dark and straight to the path of a new beginning. I would see each instance of pure beauty and let the happiness from each fill me up inside until I could see that all I would need to do is wait until the opportune moment when it would be safe to breathe life into the air again.

Freedom.

November 28, 2015

Oh Love Stories...

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Here we are average people in a world where it's hustle and bustle, survival of the quickest, and time is money. We do what we can to live a decent life, and that idea of "decent" is either filled by delusions of grandeur or a somewhat cynical view of the world. However, there comes a time, a small moment when that changes.

We peer into the mirrored heart of what is history, literature, art, and pure Fiction to find a piece of the fundamental part of our selves. This piece is like a universal key that unlocks the door to our true selves. The key is love stories.

Love stories of every kind whether it be a love of ones people, family, land, life, or lover, these are the keys to our hearts that bring us to the key hole. The key hole is reflection.

When we see the brave Romeo fighting for his Juliet, or Elizabeth Bennett passionately telling off Mr. Darcy, or even Shaun and Liz from "Shaun of the Dead" sharing a smoke when they are presumably inches away from death, we understand the truth, we understand that we are more than our shuffling life's would make us out to be. We have the ability to change the world in one blink, ride starlight into the eyes of our beloved, make darkness tremble in a confused humor, and make the bitter, broken hearts of the world smile with one single happy tear to show Genuinity. But, we have a choice.

We could sit at the key hole all day long, watching from afar as our wildest dreams be played out by figures of history and fiction or we can take that new found medical tape to patch up the parts of our soul that has been withered by doubt and disappointment, and unlock that door to ourselves to find who we tuely are, not who we are expected to be. We can scale the mountain in our hearts by merely floating to the top so we can dive into such pure bliss of Happiness, passion, and the awesome feeling of overcoming what ever challenge life throws at us. We can touch the hearts of people miles and miles between us to spread the word in the simplest of phrases: "you are not alone, we are all so much more than what we seem to be."

Love stories patch the soul.

~Thoughts of a Dreamer~

November 11, 2015

Beauty's Lover, Can It Be Me?

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Wanting something, Longing for it deeply, but never receiving is something all have experienced, whether it is as a childish, innocent, Longing, or something with more emotional mass. The reality of getting it is as real as the dreams you have of it. However when it graduates to touch, taste, sound, feel, and sight, we are tested. Are we truly wanting what is presented to us? Will we destroy it? Will we hide it from the rest of the world? Will we become poorer for having it? Will we mistreated it, discard it, and throw it upon the ground and walk away to only feel that deep agonizing regret that forces us to turn around and run back for it? In those instances, will it still be there, or is it gone forever and the regret set in our bones as the deepest bitterness, turning into cancers, fading mobile ability, and nights filled with tears and shouts of an inner pain we really want the painkillers for?
Or, do we hold it and love it as we have always dreamed? Would we sit upon the ground in utter bliss wondering what we did right to deserve such a momentous gift from the blessed essence of love itself? Do we finally feel the contentment with life and start to make something of what we have received?

Or, by all that is right in this world, we receive the longing not fit for us to keep but hold for a while to pass on to the one who has something we so desire to give us?

Moments in my life have lead me to be cautious with what I receive, and make damn sure my heart is in it, for if it isn't, there is no point in even bothering.

~Thoughts of a Dreamer~

October 28, 2015

Why We Have To Figure It Out For Our Selves

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     This struck me as I'm about to pick what I want to listen to while I do my studies. I like to go classical music all the way to people speaking their hearts and minds on life. I realized that one person cannot tell you how life is. That is why I say I only give my opinions, observations, deductions of my own understanding, and tell people "hey, its up to you," because it is. It's my understanding not someone else's. So expect that as I do from someone who is telling me their revelations and impassioned epiphanies on life, because I know that I don't got everything figured out and nor does the person. Not one person on the face of the earth has it completely figured out.
     It would be nice to just hear everything that needed to be done in the right way, the right state of mind, for the best possible outcome, but its not that simple. Never, never, have I heard things said or read word describing life and felt 100% that they were all true. Not even the most bought and read book could convince me of its 100% genuinity. Plus I don't feel we get a guide book anyway.
     So many words, thoughts, and profonticatory speeches have all come from a person figuring it out on there own. So, why should anyone else just get it by listening or reading?  All I can hope for is that I inspire people to go out there and learn. Feel with your heart and discern with your heart and mind. Those together are the most powerful. And please, for the love of love, don't think you have everything figured out because after those two to three days of clarity, you start to learn even more things about life. It happens to me every time I finish a revolution of understanding.

~Thoughts of a Dreamer~

October 23, 2015

A Wonderful Burst Of Nonsense

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     It's that time of day. No, that type of day. No,no, that type of day. No, no, no, I don't think you see it; its that type of day. It is a day to do as much as I can, to feel all that I can feel. No obligations but those I choose for myself. I want to feel empowered, like the very marrow of my bones is lit with the light of energy, like I can at this very moment spread my wings and fly farther and farther, touching where Icarus could not. I want to feel the wind rushing though my hair as I give a triumphant cry as I run accross the daisied field. I want to be impassioned by the rhythmic flow of the ocean telling her story to the cliff side she touches. I want to spin and twirl in a dance with the clouds as they prepare a gathering of storms. I want to dance to the music of the wind whistling in the trees, feeling the heartbeat of mother earth herself below my feet. I want to sing to the sky my hopes, dreams, loves, and yearnings and I want the ocean, forests, wind, and ground to join in as we sing a tune that touches life itself, urging it to go on and to do so with love. I want to encourage a spark in the hearts of the forlorn to feel the freedom that lies withing us all. I want to be carried above the sky to wrap the world in a life bringing rain so that when the sun rises, everyone can take a deep breath and smile at the beautiful sight of themselves and those about them.

     At the very least, I want to smile and make others do the same.

~Thoughts of a Dreamer~

Hope Is Not Lost, Just The Sight

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     Here is a poem I wrote for myself and any person who feels stuck. We are not alone, in fact that feeling is one we entrap ourselves in, so, naturally, we hold the key to our release.

~Thoughts of a Dreamer~

"There is More"

When it feels hopeless,
You turn to the desperate,
But there is more.

When you have fallen,
And the world lends you no hand,
You turn to the easy,
But wait there is more.

You have wronged,
And you built your life up,
But you don't want it any more,
So you despair,
But wait, look, there is more.

You think its over,
That happiness has passed,
No more love is deserved you,
And no more hope fills you,
So you build your penance,
But if you would just see,
There is more.

You were made to believe,
You had no choice,
But you are still here,
Life is a real spark inside you,
Fan the flames with love and light,
And realize, it's a mere affliction,
This deceptive night.

October 20, 2015

A Prose Piece On Verse

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     Poetry. It is the music to my lips. It is where the taste and feel of the words can be cherished deeply. You can drink deep their meaning and be transported to the moment of their true conception. Gasp and breath in the air that the words sway about you. The tingles of the tongue that can give way to a deep passionate kiss of imagination. Then the creation of love pours out into the air as vibrational tones of such sweet surrender. As the words swirl about our heads before they get taken in by our minds, we sucome to the raw truth that lies within. No motion, no sound, no nonsense, and we are swept up like a feather carried on the breeze to places where our dreams have only glimpsed. It is a journey where life lessons and right or wrong are expressed by the enrapturing emotions of hardship and hopeless, sensual, hapless, needy, deep love. It holds the world's of fanciful moments of plentiful places of wonder, where one could just venture any where and never be forgotten and alone, those places where every where you stride that eternal guide can be as your lovely companion at your side, the places where to fly is life and to walk is a will. It's that moment when words are lost in expressing emotional feeling, but found in how to feel that feeling feels deep inside. It's where words run dry and sensation skitters accross the skin like a lovers touch that gives way to thousands of butterflies.
     It is Poetry. When we venture outside our shelters of worry, monogamy, and rigidity, it is the wind that caresses our face whispering freedom into our hearts, and hope into our minds. It is all that is love, loss, renewal, and life joined together like the voice of the ages. Not to be captured, concealed, enslaved, but fought for, challenged, and ever so the victor. It is my unraveled freedom of passion until I stop with rosied cheeks and lips parted for air, as if on some exhilarating run from monstrous confinement.
   Oh, its the never ending expression of our hearts that leave the heartless forever scrawled in our works and baffled by the mirrored image they find in our words. It's sight for those who dream of seeing and love for those who do nothing better than feel deeply.

October 19, 2015

Unharnessable Magic

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     The one of the most sought after emotions, but oftentimes, the most misunderstood. What is Happiness? How can we judge what the feeling feels like, tastes like, smells like. How do we explain it, if we understand it, to one who hasn't ever? Is Happiness pleasure, fulfilment, escapism, popularity, to have the illusion of control, or is it the feeling of being completely content? Is it the feeling of dealing peaceful without any qualificatory guilts about how you got there? Would the feeling of Happiness be described as that pivotal moment in life where the things that mean the most are recognized and cherished by the recognizer? It just might be.
     When we realize how content we are that's when that unharnessable magic comes in. Once the greed of our wants are left to the dust, once the desire to become better in every negative way possible gets cast aside, and the parasitic fear is discarded  in the ruin of all that negativity, does that leave our eyes open to the love and light that is about us as water is to the coral reefs of the vast sea. It's so easy to become overwhelmed. It is so easy to get lost in  that miasmatic pool of all that is born of ill will.
     Breaking from that is hard, but so worth it. People say if you want it, that infamous it, you have to go out and get it. That it wrong. You don't just get it, or aquire it, you work for it and show you are going to appreciate it by putting time, effort, and energy into it. Another sad thing is that such a tease is rarely used for things of importance, true importance. Advancement in the most meager materialistic way possible has become sought after. However, there will be a multitude of moments illustrating the truth of such an advantageous prospect. They will build upon each other to create a magnifying glass so that those prospects are seen as what they truly are.
     The pursuit of what we think Happiness is and what it actually is are two different things entirely. Some may understand it much quicker than others, but nevertheless, it will be understood. Just keep your eyes open, keep your heart open, and keep loving. You'll see. What is Happiness but the acceptance of love within our hearts.

October 15, 2015

The Most Wondrous Place

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     Oh, the forest. She lies like the mysterious blanket of mist about her: still but moving softly. The trees align themselves as supports for the life that moves around them, in sync. Walked I did, in this soft mist of caring breath and comforting kisses too small to see but too many to not feel. The moss ridden ground took in each step making me light, carrying me with the strength of nature. My hands graze the loose bark of the trees I pass and I feel their slight hum of approval at my gentile touch. The land carries my tired to a fall of water where the liquid gleams a light that brings life. I kneel to present my hand to the glowing waters. One drop moves to my hand to let me know I may touch. I let the waters heal my worry and doubt that still lingers like a thorn before.
A breeze tousled my hair, letting to know that I am not alone, and I rise to greet the lovely blue eyes of a Raven on a branch. Around his feather neck was adorned a blue ring to show his guard of the water fall. I bowed my head in respect only to lift my eyes to see those same eyes and a smile. The Sentinel held out his right hand so I could take it and we walked the wood together in the sun lit mist.

October 14, 2015

When Memories Come Flooding In

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     Every now and again, I get faced with something of the past. It either hits me hard or it gradually make it into my life to where I have to stop and realize the correlation to my reveries. It's like experiencing it all again but with new eyes. Once you strip away the ignorant emotion, you can really see how far you have come, and even glimpse where you might go. In that small glimpse I would imagine a moment of déjà vu, as we remember the last time we remembered so deeply.
     It is interesting, really, to see and feel the emotions we thought we had forgotten. Like an empty pool filling up with water through tiny holes that mark each experience, we are surrounded by the past and all its little idiosyncratic parts we thought would have been long forgotten. Before long, that moment comes where we are overwhelmed by what we see and feel, wondering if we have changed at all. This is the moment we decide to swim, panic, or drown.
     What I find to be most comforting is that breath of air we take in when we reaffirm our new state of being and this person we have become. It could be like breathing in water when we realize who we have become, but thankfully for me, my lungs took in the sweet air of revitalization.
     Something that always helps me is knowing I know nothing. I might do a post that goes even more in-depth about this. The basic way to describe it is that when I think I know everything about the world, my heart sinks at the prospect of the vast limitations that I may be apart of. Interestingly, this knowing goes hand in hand with the knowing that here is more, another I might do a post on, and how there is always, always, always, something more to learn and something more out there.
     I choose to live and go forth in a way as a means to grow and become better as a person. What some might not know is, it's a lot harder but so much more worth it because I know in my heart I doing good, not the best, not better than, not the worst, but good and I love that feeling.

~Thoughts of a Dreamer~

October 13, 2015

An Odd Poem: "Cravings"

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     This poem I wrote when I was really pushing the limits of my poetry writing capabilities. To be honest, I am quite happy with how this turned out and I hope you all enjoy it.

~Thoughts of a Dreamer~


"Cravings "

I’m shaking like a leaf,
Nerves take the lot of me,

Have a cup of tea.

Fear grips my heart,
Anxiety stings,
It’s harder to see,

Have a cup of tea.

Monstrous thoughts,
Soar through my head,
Ice pick pain,
My head like a pea,

Have a cup of tea.

Gripping the arms of a char,
Breath picks up,
Heart speeds, pounding,
Hands fist tightly,
Feet are tingly,

Have a cup of tea.

And then that phrase,
Who speaks it,
It disturbs the focus,
All the eyes see blur,
And that sentence cuts,
Why must this be,

Have a cup of tea,

Eyes pop open.
The chill is intense,
I wipe my eyes,
A cup of tea would be perfect,
And as if in a nightmare,
All I see:

Coffee

October 12, 2015

To Capture Your Sight And Show The World

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    Scrolling on Instagram and liking the pictures with famous people in them, just because there are famous people in them, my eyes start to droop and my IQ starts to drop. This downward spiral seems to be a permanent fixture to the future of me falling into a dreamless sleep and waking up ten times more tired than before, until, out of the wonderful blue, I happen upon something spectacular. What lies before mine now open eyes is a picture that encompasses all things beauty, danger, serenity, and the vast unknown. It seems all at once, worlds seem to spring forth from my writers mind as I write them in my head too fast to catch them in a Times New Roman font. Thus, it begins. I want more. I want to be inspired by the world's that the product of your eyes and camera provide. I want to be able to glimpse the places I have only dreamed of seeing and realize those places look as I have always dreampt they would. I want the inspiration of universal truths expressed in a true fictional story to breath from my lips and flow from my fingertips.
     So, I look on every social media I have an account to, and I find the those who expose just enough light to brighten the most tangible dreams yet to be realised and yet to be dreampt.
     Thank you, Photographers.

October 11, 2015

Oh, Such Is Life

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     This post was originally supposed to be inspired by anger and irritation at someone close to me. However it quickly turned into something completely different.

     Frustration, pure and born of panic, raved through me like an angry wind ready to rip me to shreds. All the work I had done, all the preparation that has led me to this point of growing clear with a big idea, seemingly vanished before my very eyes. No, I cannot laugh at my luck, not now, nor could I have shrugged it off and said, "oh well, time to try again," in such a nonchalant tone. A struggle, not as bad as others but one never the less, to get to this point where I am all meant nothing for about five minutes. During those five minutes, whimpers of a soft pain wrapped in a hopeless hope escaped from me, but rage was not an option because I knew it would just turned into a pool of resigned tears beside the face of one who is giving up miserably. The last thing I wanted to do was give. So yes, the tears flowed down my cheeks as I sought to savage my mistake, pleas to fate to prove my suspected idea wrong escaped my lips, and though I would have been seen as pitiful to an outsider's eyes, the battle within was fought with remembering fatherly and motherly phrases of not giving up and hitting rock bottom, but still getting back up.
     So as my shaken anxious hands tried to pick up the broken puzzle pieces of this glass picture, I soon realized the light upon them was just obscuring the picture. There was nothing lost, just a shadow of lack of understanding something so simple as a glitch. Oh, and a glitch it was. Inevitably, my heart gave true to a cry of joy that my work, my start had not been tarnished. However, the realistic understanding of the cruelty of the world further caused be to make sure of my joyous discovery, which cut the inner celebration short. It was in fact clear and true my fault lied in only understanding not a bad choice.
     My mind was delighted, of course, but now curious more than ever. What exactly was the purpose of such a burst of emotions for, basically, a misunderstanding? I did admit to myself that it had been quite a while since I partook in the bitter fruit of freaking-out. I then concluded that a moment like that every now and again was a good thing to keep us humble, on our toes, and it can reteach us about the importance of conviction and fighting for what you want to achieve. Then it hit me.
     My hopes and dreams of living by my pen to spread my work and to spread a positive message is worth something. This is worth fighting for, not because it is mine or it is politically correct, but because it feels right to me. So, what ever I loose would be lost, but no wouldn't have mourned it for too long and I wouldn't have given in. I would have continued writing and writing until my wee heart gave and I still will. What ever obstacle that comes would, yes, be a vast inconvenience and extremely enraging, but I would still have pressed on. The thing that is one of the most interesting things about this experience is that I still held out hope when it seemed there was no chance. What would I have lost? A few blog posts, a contact page, an About page, and a merchandise page. I would have lost followers, status, and some forms of inspiration. Those things aren't the most important though. The most important thing i would have lost is my time and my visualised growth and understanding in what I wanted to achieve. So I fought for it and even if I lost it I would get it back ten-fold with my determination and hope. To be honest, knowing I have that drive make me want it more and that's why, despite the tears and feeling of freaking, I am pretty happy about that experience.

October 5, 2015

What? Why The Red Spot On My Forehead?

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This mark of reddened skin is the product of my hand and uncontrollable nerves that cause my forearm to fly in target of my face. Why my face you ask? Well this only happens when, for no reason, I flash back to la-la-land to a time and place when i was so willing to make a big fool of myself and shamelessly pass it off as "being cool".

Let's face it, we all have had this problem and if you haven't yet, you will. All that needs to happen is some vast clear acceptance, because if you let stuff like that hammer you into the ground, it gets harder and harder to pull yourself up. This is particularly hard for me because someone out there holds the face of my embarrassment in the form of a still attractive young man who's expressions of confusion and discomfort haunt me still.
The quick story with that is that I built this young man's "beauty" and "coolness" up in my head as something that made me feel less then; so, I tried to be the, lets say, "cool chick". Honestly, with my luck, I should have known of the terrifying embarrassment that would unfold before his very eyes...but, life goes on and thought the memories hit me like a tun of bricks labeled "IDIOT", I just have to remind myself that that was years ago and move on.
That's the hardest part though, to not let it hit us deep and to be light about some of the crazy things we have done in the past, while not harboring any ragret, not even a letter, and managing to smile with our hearts. Lingering is never good and forgetting can be even worse, because we never have that luxury for too long. Some how, some place, some time, and some way that one tun bag full of  "IDIOT" labled bricks will fly our way. So there is no forget the past, there is no turning a blind eyes to faults we expressed at times of pure unadulterated ignorance. The strength comes in admitting, after years, you did dumb stuff and then coming to turns with who you are now, older and hopefully wiser. Pretending this never happens only leaves room for a weakness in character. Confronting the choices you made with recognition of ownership sets forth a path of growth, should you choose to come to terms with it.

The truth is, the past is never buried for long, and before you know it, the bag comes flying at you, whether you have the tolerance for it or not.

~Thoughts of a Dreamer~

October 3, 2015

The Stress of Stresses

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     It's the slow eye twitch, the throbbing head ache, and the constant trips to the bathroom. It comes over like a flood as your mind starts to connect the planks of a bridge going down hill. All of this for something you have no capability of touching, let alone impacting for the better. The most realistic realisation that there are things going on in this world that are out of our control can make us feel helpless, it can make us feel angry, and it can make us feel so very sad. We can either force an emotional detachment or only, simply, focus on what we can do.
     If we realized the importance of our capability to impact lives in a positive way, it will not only help others but ourselves as well. No more head aches for over thinking, no more nosebleeds from crying for hours, and no more resounding sadness for feeling helpless because of the fact that we are making an impact with kindness, respect, selflessness, and other forms of positivity.
     However it's not just a choice to do something but a choice to become healthier through doing something that doesn't have to be big or small, but its something. Many times have I worried about people I couldn't help or places that were seeing hard times but I made the difference I could, by not injecting the worry and frustration I was feeling, but by taking a stance in the positive. Lord knows, it is so hard to keep a positive attitude and people don't make it easy at all, but the trying for a better way to be just makes me try harder because I know its right in my heart. To be loving and compassionate to those who need it and to help out someone when you can, these are the simplest forms of helping and it means more to the one being helped than the one helping will ever know. And that is so worth it.

September 26, 2015

The Little Things

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     I never really understood the phrase, "enjoy the little things", until I got older. It struck me one day when I was attempting to wake up one morning and was trudging to the coffee machine. I then did the sugar in the cup first and a little cinnamon before pouring the brew into it. My hands cupped around the porcelain art peace, feeling the immense warmth, as I went in for a sip of life. Right as the brew it my tongue, warmth instantly started to release my cheeks from the bite of the cold air around. When it made its way down my throat and on the path to my stomach, I gave to a chill that moved like a cozy wave washing over me, freeing me from the constrains of the cold that I rigidly trembled about in.
      What an amazing thing that is. I cherished that cup until nothing was left but the prospect of enduring a second cup that I knew would be half the man its predecessor was. I enjoyed that cup of heavenly brew like it was my first, last, and more. It was a joy that made my day so much better. The weight of what needed to be done stayed the same, but I felt like I could take it on with no back pains. Just a small thing like that and love seemed like it was worth living again.
     Drama aside, I'm not casting a coffee ad into the world in hopes that people will experience what I have, no. That is but a mere example of what little things are. They are those pleasures that are seemingly Innocent and beautifully simple. It's that morning brunch you have with your friend where you two don't talk so much but just enjoy the company as one sips robust green tea, reading the paper as you stick with the java enjoying a book. The little things you enjoy, like every morning when you come into work, you take a piece of candy even though it is meant for customers; so, you take that one piece to tide you over until your bound to enjoy another at lunch.
     These little joys hold so much more of an impact. They are the things that keep you sane when your life is throwing you bits of insanity for you to try and make sense of. They, that infamous they, say that you should appreciate life a bit more, but to be honest, it gets hard to see the good and pull happiness out of it when the struggle to get by is just too much at times. However, that's okay. If life wasn't hard, we would never grow, we would never push ourselves, and we certainly would never have learned to appreciate anything. So try this, a thing you have incorporated into your daily routine, that little thing, recognize the joy you feel when you do it, however small, and just carry that joy with you throughout the day until the next. Maybe you'll see how much it impacts your happiness.

     ~Thoughts of a Dreamer~

September 18, 2015

Changing For Others vs. Changing For Yourself

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     When someone tells you to change, it is ultimately up to you. They can't make that decision for you because they don't understand your perspective and understanding of yourself and the world that surrounds yourself.
     So here you are, at the crossroads of change. Your change requires you to follow a path, but how will you walk it? How will you see it? In one blink you can take that step for yourself in a manor that is everything readiness has ever been in a gant, but in another blink, you can take a step for the acceptance of another, walking in the way a person with endless sacks of expectations on their back would. Good intentions lay in each path, but you know that those can pave off course completely, if you make the wrong choice.

     It all boils down to the individual. Making a change in self to please yourself is a lot more satisfying than making that change for someone else, unless you are making that changed in their memory/honor. Your personal life changes should not be dictated by another's wishes.  Though advice is very useful,  it should never be something that is pushed. People will make that decision when they are ready. How that decision is made will determine their strength. We have this idea of what we are supposed to be like, but when we recognized what we are, the reality of own personal disabilities will come forward. We can live our lives being told every little change that needs to happen, but the magic part is when we see these problems for what they are and change based on our recognizing that there is a problem.  Once the recognition is up, we can see where our next move will be.
     People, all the time, tell each other what we need but when the time comes, we choose it for ourselves, not because they told us. I often look back on those moments and laugh because of how much they couldn't see that I couldn't recognise it for my self which is what needed to be done. When you face a person with a negative state of being, then associate it with them, and they don't see it, they will pull their mind as far away from it as humanly possible; so, when you tell a drug addict they are addicted, they deny it.
     Every now and then people need to fall on their faces. Sometimes we can take that advice, but others just need the cement imprint to shock them awake. That is when they gain the eyes to see that the change is needed. We have all been their. Either too stubborn, or just plain ignorance, our faces have forcefully graced the metaphoric concrete and we realize despite the force of impact, we can see all the clearer.

September 15, 2015

Clouds: Story Tellers of the Sky

What people don't really understand is that clouds move to the sway of our hearts, not the will of our minds. We can look up and see the stories we can't find in books acted out as shapes moving in an inevitable direction.

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We are presented with an inconceivable sight of something we may only be able to achieve in evolution of body, or mind. These are cold, water vapor masses that seem to be able to fly where as we just sit beneath watching as they pass.

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So our initial intentions are to reach them. We do this first by identifying what is readily available in height and complexity that we can relate to in some way. We reach for trees, as they seem to reach for the sky aswell. They stay in there spot and from the moment of birth, they are destined to rise to greet the skies with their sight, just as we look up when we want to gaze at the impossible, inconceivable, wonderful, powerful, beautiful unknowing.

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We can hear it from scientists, sky divers, experts, and every other person that thinks that can tackle the great unknown that sits like a blanket above our heads, waiting to tell a story that shines from our hearts, but when the wind is cool and the trees sing, in our hearts we know there is more than can ever be known by one about the sky above. We live to look up at the bodies of wonder. Perhaps they are the administers of lessons that we may look upon so that when we look upon the stars beyond them, we may begin to understand the shine of our hearts, seeing that we all are the beloved beauty we pursue already.

~Thoughts of a Dreamer~

All photos ©Mary Spotted-Eagle-Woman Roberts 2015

September 14, 2015

Hard Going Up & Easy Going Down

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          This thought came to me when I did my early morning walk with my walking partner. She said that it would have been better for our calf's if we had gone up the hill. This was stated while we were going down. This hit me. It is so easy to go down, to destroy, to give in, to make a muck of, but the hardest is to try with all of yourself no matter how hard things get. Trying doesn't mean your getting it right, nor is excellence expected. When you fail, its not because you tried. Failing means that you didn't try at all. When people get things wrong they think it's failure, but in all actuality, it is learning. We are all just learning, but the moment we refuse to try is the moment we have failed ourselves, the moment we have fallen and hit our heads.
          The Happy part of living, though, is that we can choose to not fail. Failure is a state of mind, achievement is recognition of your capabilities and the following through of such. Achieving doesn't mean you meet the expectations of some person beyond yourself, though. The best form achievement can take is that feeling that your not emotionally hitched to anything unhealthy, you feel grateful for what you have, and you are sitting down one morning with your cup of warm drink reaching for your reading material or hobby, feeling so content and happy with your life thus far. I have always seen this as a major achievement. Forget all the worries and follies of what you are not and take a look at what you have, what you are, and why.
          A good thing to recognize is that there are things beyond your control. However, once you recognize what you can, and if you should, then you can focus on where your heart wants you to go. I have always wanted what feels right to my heart, what feels like the sun rose, the stars aligned, and the wind blew for me to be here right now type of right. Now, of course, those things don't happen just for one person but who's to say it doesn't happen for all people? Who knows; maybe the sun rises, the stars align, and the wind blows for all people to get where they are supposed to be, even if we don't see it all the time.

          ~Thoughts of a Dreamer~

September 9, 2015

Stop, pause, take a look around...

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     Every now and then we need to stop for a small moment to still ourselves and take a look around. To pull yourself away from the stress of the world that made the stress of your thoughts, is an act of visualisation... I mean obviously; is it obvious?
     Our vision can literally be clouded by fears, stress, and anxiety so that we don't see what is right in front of us. It happens all the time when we forget that important thing for work, when we forget the keys in the car, when we forget to show up at a birthday party, but there is even more we loose sight of. When we start asking questions like 'why am I even here' and 'what is the point of this' and not answer them, we have just lost the ability to see things as they are.

     There were those moments all throughout highschool for me, when I would just take a moment lift my head up and hope I made eye contact with someone who was doing the same thing. As I got older I would pull away from my need for contact and make those moments my time to reevaluate my position in time right at that moment to see if I was happy, to feel if I was content with my life, and to see if there is anything I need to change for the better. These moment would also serve as a moment of peace so that I may pull myself from the stresses that only activated the feelings of anxiety. Doing this reminded me of my mission and why I chose to be in that situation, offering my mind peace, not from an outside source, but from myself. I knew then as I know and actively recognize now that, I can't control everything and its a miracle I've gotten as far as I have. This is not a comparison to any other's ideal of advancement and success, but me feeling the work I've done on myself and in life so far. It's those moments that make my mind feel at ease and remind myself I can do this.

     Moments taken up by a pause to create peace of mind, are so helpful when the moments come where you are feeling the sight of the world on your shoulders.

~Thoughts of a Dreamer~

September 7, 2015

In a perfect world...

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Senerio time!!!

So, your watching a lovely TV show, and every thing is so innocent and simple so a fraze floats in your head, "in a perfect world this would work." What do you do next? Do you think about what would happen of you existed in this world of perfection, where morals and compassionate respect for your fellow man is the very milk the world has been raised on? Or, on the negative side, do you sit and ponder on all the evil in this world and let that be the make-up of your perception? The choice is yours, but the biggest thing is to be able to step back from such thoughts and think of the good and bad that your life, your eyes, have witnessed, and ask yourself if you would give all that up for a perfect simple world where thoughts are just being developed with some depth.

These thoughts came to my mind as I watched My So-Called Life for the first time. The TV show is as old as I am, but I was curious on the nature of the show and the girth of the writing. At first I was rolling my eyes and scoffing at the over simplified lives these people were living. Their thoughts rarely dived deep enough... Or so I thought. I was amazed to find there were characters that were good-natured and innocent enough that keeps your attention. I found the show precious, even if the lives the actors and actresses led were not of such, it made me appreciate the simple moments of pure love and innocence. I spoke with my mom on the show and she informed me that it had been cut. I then explained that it was probably because it was aired during a time where they would not have appreciated it as much as I did. Of course, some people probably loved it, but it was clear that it wasn't edgy, riveting, or sexual enough to grab anyone's attention. If art was to imitate life, that sort of life was at a distinct end, so it can only be seen as naïve or something that resides in a perfect world provided by the Twilight Zone, because we all know its no where near that innocent and sweet. As peoples lives and generations have progressed, it seems we have either released all inhibitions, including morals, or have become hard hearted at the follies of the world and live lives of cynicism and sarcasm. Perhaps it would be ideal to break the bitter she'll, and appreciate things as they bar and remember we can make it better, but it could always be worse.

~Thoufghts of a Dreamer ~

August 31, 2015

Scarlet's Dream

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The waves move
Like liquid glass
In the raging sea
Reflecting the
Crimson sky as
My heart fell for thee.

The sky it burned
More red than passion itself
As the waves engulfed
The very sky
From the sea.

Flowers drenched
My hair, wild and natural,
It's red locks
Flowing with the sea air
Crowning my head
With purple fire.

There green-leaved palm
Rocked and shook
As the breath of
Her, Islan drew
Making sky to land
Shake with the waters.

At its edge
Waterspouts flew
Pulling from sand
Life of a man
Hair just as red
Contrast from an
Aquamarine gaze.

The ocean shifted and swayed
Pushing him closer to me
This lonely ocean child
Being presented
With her companion to-be.

Here is a poem for the dreamers who's dreams are born of the sea.

~Thoughts of a Dreamer~

August 29, 2015

How to view it...

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    Isn't it odd how your perception changes of the world around you changes. It could be one way for years, until that one moment when you pause, look up and around, and see everything a little clearer. Or you look up and feel small like your life is making you feel less than you had once upon a time. Or even as you stand you feel your back straighten and you seem to grow a little taller than average and you feel bigger because you are where you want to be, truly happy without anything dragging you down.
    These are the points in life that are marked in our minds, no matter how seemingly small the experience is. We change from day to day, slowly, bit by bit, until the impact of our change hits us so hard we have to take a moment and we have to mark it down. If we don't we soon forget where we come from.
    This change is mapped by the choices we make and what we put ourselves through. So, could you imagine how much we have a hand in our change? We don't have all the power because we live in a world of our choice and the unpredictable variables around us, fate, or what have you. So it is important to realize we have that power to change ourselves; into what is the great decision all have to face. Do we want to become someone else or stay true to ourselves, do we want to grow hard and bitter or toughen that vulnerable little "us" inside, as apposed to building a brick wall around it that is as easy to tear down as straw. Do we want our heros to come at our every whim or become the saviours of each other.

    Such a big question, but the choice is clear to those who see it.

August 28, 2015

A Small Prose Piece...

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    My pencil scratches graphite into the paper. And then I stop. The noise is just unbearable. It's like I'm cutting at the very fabric of creation, hoping for the blood produced will flow and create a world for me instead of me inking a tattoo that would serve as a window into this unseen world. Why do I do this? I'm not the creator. I am the conduit, for this world already exists. I don't need to bleed creation to make a world; its already there. I just provide the window. I mend the same the wound with the pink patchwork, that the end of my pencil provides and wait till I can feel the story of another world whispering its story in my ears.

    In life we often tend to force things into existence. We want it to be so, so we disregard all the possible opportunity to get to that one thing in life as close to us as possible. Some would argue that that's good and shows how much you want it. Others would say there is a certain order to which these things come. I feel it's both fighting and flowing. We are presented with different tasks that prove to ourselves how much we want what we are after but we also have those moments were patience is the sure way to see the next step. Food for thought.

August 27, 2015

Not a start, just picking up...

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Hello world! I started my day with reading a quote from Serious Black from Harry Potter, basically saying that we have both good and bad inside us but the one we chose determines the man. It is so interesting and odd to start my day like that, getting thruster into the philosophizing zone of my head and heart. However it leads one to ask: how do we determine what is good and what is bad, what is dark and what is light, what is right and what is wrong? Can it be determined by the twist of the gut or that strong powerful moment when you need to reach out for a hug and embrace someone just because you feel like giving that love?
I guess it all boils down to our indeed of benevolent and malevolent. Right and wrong are too relative to the person. A murderer can think it's completely ok to "kill" the craving and think that seeking outside psychological help is just wrong. Benevolent and malevolent are the closest to what can determine that eternal struggle that people are going through everyday aside from your intuition, gut instinct, heart, whatever you want to call it; its that feeling we get when we know we aren't supposed to do something and that feeling we feel when we know something is just exacting as it should be. Alot of the time, however, people can't determine this because of their lack self-knowing. It's also that fear that one might be rejected because of uniqueness and difference. So,this then becomes their own blindfold that, until they change, will always lead them to that same moment, evey night, when the clock says its late enough where everyone's asleep, and the tears start coming, the anxiety attacks, and they are left in a sad slump trying to convince themselves that they are happy, when they know they aren't.
Sad life style, that. I just hope and pray that I'm going in the direction I'm meant to, live a life made from love, and atleast try. The "made from love" part causes my mind to re evaluate those words with the societal view that it's a cheese filled remark, corner even, but you know what, the feeling of love is what has brought down empires; so, its alright.
So, world out there, dream big and ask the questions. You never know what answers you might get, you might just touch, or you might never get, which, adds to the fun.

~Thoughts of a Dreamer~