December 10, 2016
It seems, for me, this happens naturally... literally to the point where I take a confused pause and think to myself, why am I in the past right now? It is only after I take a look at the calendar that I have that "oh sh*t" moment and continue on with my nostalgia. This year, however, it seems to not just be a rundown of 2016, but of points in my younger years that I had quite thought I'd forgotten. It is even down to the smells and sensations of the past echoing in my reverie so clearly that it boggles me that I am where I am. It's much like my younger self is taking a gander at the future. How odd that feels, especially when here is where I wanted to be most when I was younger and who I am today is what my aspirations were. I do plan on bettering myself, but it is interesting to see that I have come this far. And in all honesty, there is no way I am going to stop now. :)
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
November 21, 2016
Things, for me, tend to loose their luster if I give to a habitual, un-diverse way of doing them. I am a complete hobby girl. I love to do multiple things because they make me happy. However, the usual indulgence of my hobbies is done in such a way that i partake in said hobby to exhaustion, until even I don't want to look at the stuff for a few months. This made progressing in a hobby very slow and would often times put me in a state of stagnancy. That is when things really get bad because I become restless, and no body wants to deal with a restless Mary.
On a brighter tone, there is a way to keep one from getting lost in the monotony of the same shit different day. Being sporadic and having diversity in your daily routine can help keep you from that monotonous state, but we are going to go deeper.
In life, people stay in their little habitual bubbles for too long and it becomes their little comfort zone. With this, depending on the habit, the need to gain becomes greater and greater with every achievement until what is truly important in life is lost to the sight. A common example is that idea of a father who is too busy at work to even try to get to know his kids and before he knows it, they are older and gone:
The second saddest thing, I have to say, is when a person is stagnant but doesn't realize it. They keep doing the same things over and over and harder and harder but when it makes no different. The saddest has to be when a person doesn't care that they are stuck in their ways without change. Change is a necessary part of life and the sooner one comes to terms with that, the sooner they can get on with their life in a healthier way.
Now the very beautiful thing about Life is that whether you recognize it or not, it's gonna make that change happen one way or another, and you will be pulled out of that comfort zone like a bot fly. It happens when it needs to, when your opportunity to realize it yourself has been passed up a number of times. I have felt that sting and as much as those moments growing up sucked, I'm better for it and I can recognize that. What has helped, I have to say, is having an understanding of myself and a spiritual foundation built form a relationship with the creator. That last bit, of course, varies from person to person, and some don't even think of that stuff because they get too wrapped up in life, but hey, it's up to them. It is always wise to seek living in a healthier way, emotionally, physically, and for people who realize this necessity like me, spiritually.
This life is not forever, and the material things change over time. Nobody knows what will come of death, until they die, but I would urge anyone to try and life a life where they are making advancements that are deeper emotionally, in understanding, and in knowledge, as apposed to staking your mark in this world on something that can easily be swept away with a rouge wave.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
November 13, 2016
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
November 2, 2016
One thing I have noticed while going through this wild ride of not only life, but shaping myself as a writer, is that there is nothing that happens right away. There is no speedy acquisition of the skills that one learns to reach a certain goal. Why is that? Well, it takes us time to understand everything that we want to do and we must learn a way to properly go about doing it. Yes, we build tools and make our own discoveries along the way, but it takes time to build those tools and understandings. So, of course, we aren't gonna get there over night.
Believe me, I have suffered the disappointment of not being at the center of my goal when I wanted so bad to be. We have been bread into a society that as instant gratification at the top of it's list for Mundane Emotional Drug Fixes. The faster something we want comes our way, the quicker we want it to come, quicker and quicker until we loose the sense of what it means to actually build an appreciation for what we desire through work and an effort to understand. So that is the pain, that is the withdrawal. And we are forced to still ourselves and do what we should have started off doing in the first place, giving ourselves time to get there.
Mind you, this time given, is not time wasted in basic goof-off-ery, if so, than the problem is deeper than expected. We also do not "give ourselves time" by racking our selves with mindless work that leaves us exhausted and delirious at the end of every day in hopes that we can reach that goal quicker. That is not how it works. Yes it's about balance and sincere effort, not waiting for something to happen. You must take the necessary steps to make it happen and it will in it's own time, however, if there is just the desire to sit and wait for a golden ticket to manifest in your hand, there is no effort there. When there is that rue effort driving you, don't expect to get it all at once. You'll seriously just disappoint yourself.
This brings us to the moments that we assume a moment of failure, but don't be decieved, it isn't failure, it's learning. When we go forth and make a mistake on the road to our goal, it shows us what we didn't know, what we did know, and how it can be done differently, that's all. The only true failure is when we completely give up and decide to no longer pursue a venture that had our hearts singing for. It is best to always try for your goal than try to live with the regret of never continuing. There is always an opportunity to start something that will make you happy beyond words. So take that choice and run with it, and always follow your heart, and when i say that i don't mean follow your organ in your chest.No, i mean that feeling, that inner intuition, the same one that tells you what is right and what is wrong. That is your source of truth that is connected to something higher than physical desire. It will always guide you.
Asong that seems to pop up every time I get impatient:
One of my favorite reminders.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
September 22, 2016
Covered in a white dream like haze,
Why are dreams so sweet?
Is it the diversity that brings,
To our tattered minds the new ideas?
Is it the great swell of sight,
That unfolds before our very eyes?
Is it the contact with another worlds,
That scientists have chalked up to,
Chemicals and neurons?
And why do we long to go back,
When some of the dreams,
Are worse than the very life we live?
It's safe that's why,
You can come back,
You can feel just enough,
To make an imprint on your mind,
Real enough to be a memory,
But not true enough to leave,
The marks of physical scars.
It 's the white haze that keeps you,
In a cocoon of separation.
Every now and again,
That cocoon drops and we are privy,
To what we know,
As a nightmare,
A terror of the night,
But what is scary about a nightmare?
The fear gripping your chest,
Of the reality of it all,
The very reality you are faced with,
The reality of recognizing,
(Have you ever had a dream just stick with you, like that very atmosphere was carried over to your wakeful self?)
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
September 21, 2016
A secret call,
A silent whisper,
Reverberating through the consciousness.
Not a dream but a beautiful truth,
Reality brought forth to the forefront of the mind.
Where the sensation of color,
Is always attainable,
This call you feel yourself answer,
Against your rational mind,
Your rigid mind,
Your caged spirit.
All it took was a smile,
A blink of awareness,
As this call called you,
You looked at it, you felt it,
And it felt you.
What is it,
This feeling of complete truth,
This feeling of love that enraptures you,
This feeling of connection,
That envelopes you in open arms,
Of warmth and a pure kind of love?
(Feeling quite poetic today, there is something about this overcast that fills me with the unspoken words of my heart, these words that the day-to-day would have me abandon. Not Today)
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
September 15, 2016
I know I have already written a great deal on the importance of the little things but it is good to revel in them for a moment. I sit at my kitchen table with my cup of sweetened green tea and an unorthodox dessert to my right and I'll steel a bite from my heavenly dish and a sip from my devine tea. Why is this important?-Because every body needs their little things that give them joy, that give them a sense of complete happiness. Ultimately it isn't the objects that are the need, but the appreciation of the things in question. The appreciation is the richer part of any dessert. Appreciation is something completely unselfish and because it is it fuels that part of us that is humble and kind and all around good. Taking a moment to appreciate something wholesome and impactful in a positive way makes one genuinely feel good inside; as opposed to the instant gratification of stroking or having stroked one's ego...which would be the other end of the spectrum. But no, this, this beautiful moment as I lovingly tap these keys and enjoy this calm atmosphere along with my tea and dessert, is full a a deep, core soothing appreciation that, with every exhale, settles my mired mind and calms my heart. Moments like these, should never be gone without recognition.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
September 4, 2016
Some times in life you get this overwhelming feeling that you were placed in that exact spot for a definite reason or a distinct purpose. There is a constant philosophy that everything happens for a reason but one can hardly feel it all the time; so it serves more as a comforting reminder. However, these moments where you feel the weight or gravity of your place in time, that philosophy becomes more of an actualized self realisation. You happened for a reason. Such a feeling can change a persons life and push them beyond the stage of life when one feels useless and worthless. This feeling, also, when felt could actually make sink in all the words of others that harped on a fact that that person is purposeful.
Some would think that there are some people out there that would die and no person would even give a blink of care but that simply is not the case. For every action there is a reaction, especially in those related to the object that in fact is apart of the action. Someone is always affected, whether the effected is the murderer, the witness, the coroner, the mortician, the family member, or the person that would have benefitted from the presence of the person who has passed. Life is purposeful, living is purposeful, and so is death.
I have never had a knowing of what i may come across or what i am yet to experience, so i don't ever mess with the possibility that my life may be impactful to an other's. I know i have purpose because this feeling has graced me many times before. So, why try to deny a feeling that rocks you too the core as well as gives you physical proof?
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
August 31, 2016
What do you do with your restless self? Do you fake productivity in order to cure the bout of restlessness, or do you cave and just wallow in it's mazmatic gunge, letting it seep further and further into you like black drops of ink in clear water? There is no definite answer. Each person has their own way to break the chilling feeling of discontentment within their hearts. it is such a unique thing for everybody, but so very common. Some don't even try to deal with it; they just let it fester themselves until they are taking meds for anxiety.
I breathe and remember what it is I'm doing and what path is mine. Of course, to plan overly would be a disservice to one's self because of the way life throws wrenches into the gears we arrange and I most certainly do not claim to know all of what will come my way, but I know that recognizing what path I'm on can be as simple as me taking a look at where I have come and where my heart shows me I should go.
The breathing clears the mind. If you ever notice, when someone is nervous or anxious their breathe quickens or they advance to holding it for a few moments at a time. To breathe slowly and calmly it allows you to focus yourself. Without focus there is just a sense of being overwhelmed and taking everything in all at once, which, is a great shock to the mind and body.
Life should not be stressed over, I feel, except in those key moments. To be consumed by all that happens is a choice, no matter how much one feels that there is no choice.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
August 30, 2016
There is a sometimes a frequence, a wave, that connects two people together. There is a deeper feeling between the two than what can be gleaned skin deep. There is more than what can be observed on the surface of brand named clothing and perfectly done makeup. This is the essence of a person, their spirit. The truth of who they really are and all of their depth. Each person is unique, and has their own unique hue, but sometimes two hues just click. It could be a lover or it could be a friend, but either way the connection, that bond of understanding before even being acquainted, pulls them together to be with each other at any moment and time. Some speculate that this is in fact a spiritual recognition for a past life relationship that was too deep to not have an effect on the current. This would be considered some sort of spiritual memory, that of which, we are not completely conscious of because of the fact that our perceptions are locked in our current state of being: in our physical bodies. Could you imagine what we would learn if we had the ability to, at will, tap into such memory banks beyond just an electromagnetic pull shared between two people? It sounds intriguing but also frightening if one would consider the brain's capacity for such a thing. It would get confused between each and every life, as it would be life times stored in the head of one. However, life is more than just extremes. We have mentioned the possibility of accessing such spiritual memory much like a librarian and the other extreme of one being overwhelmed, so the possibility of a person that can walk around living their life focused and aware of all that has to do with the current life and live with these memories of other lives in their head. With that being said, imagine how much that person would recognize the constant spirits that are in his/her life?
One thing that has always been a constant for me is the recognition of more.There is always something beyond our meager understandings and it is comforting because i know that there will never be a time when I say, "I am done learning," because, well, where is the fun in that?
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
August 29, 2016
You know, there are a string of funny things in this life that make us feel as if we have got everything figured out in the colored glass we look through. The hue presents an aura that is meant to comfort and make feel special. To pull down said colored glass, I feel, is a frightening prospect to anyone. To see the world for what it really is is a frightful thing if you can't handle diversity in color and shade. There are shades of every spectrum, imaginable and unimaginable that exist all around us. However, being creatures of comfort, we tend to linger on the shades we find most agreeable. Oh, how diversity will put pallor to our face quicker than a nightmare. It is one of the most interesting things to behold when you witness a person who realizes that there is depth to every day life beyond what we can merely see; that there is depth to themselves that they had no clue existed. How interesting for one to not know themselves enough and not know what one is capable of. It would make me scratch my head but only because ingrained is a teaching that one should always get to know who they are.
Well, where would be the knowing of individuality without such an adventure? what is it that would separate one from the crowd if such a search did not commence? How would one find the true value of living as well as the drive without it? It is a challenge, for sure, but that is the point. The effort makes you appreciate the journey as well as the knowing when it all comes together. And i feel people want to appreciate something, they want to adore something, so what is better than to appreciate and adore something about ones's self, or admire one's self, the one thing that is and always will be in the now and actionable not matter what?
It can be so beautiful. All one would have to do is try.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
July 12, 2016
There is this feeling, it washes over you like a cool blanket. It''s a feeling of peace, yet something more. You feel as if you can finally breath, but you don't want to shout for joy. Instead, you can feel your eyes start to get just a tad bit droopy and a yawn creeps up from the depths of your heart. Your muscles start to relax in a way that hasn't happened in so long. You no longer have that weight and feel lighter, as if you could float on like a careless feather on the light, gentile breeze. The only thing that keeps you tethered is the fact that you are still awake. An easy smile spreads your lips as you lay your head on the pillow. Hands are relaxed, your not clutching the blankets in desperation, instead you cradle them in your arms, light and and calm. As you lay there still in bliss you feel the beat of your heart and liken it to the tide of the ocean. Your ocean soul slowly lulls you to sleep as the feeling echos from the core of your self that everything is going to be all right.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
One of the biggest lies is that there is nothing to be done about one's own hurting, but this is not the case. The cycle we put ourselves in, that cycle of pain and despair , can be broken; it is a mere matter of choice. There will be those that that claim such a feat is too hard and that some pains go too deep to even repair , but, in my heart, I feel that this is not the case.
One thing that is definitely for sure, is that you have to want it, you have to want happiness and peace, not wallow in a romanticize state of longing where you are comforted by the convenience of fantasy but not ever faced with the reality. There is nothing more shocking and eye opening than confronting that which is reality, even regarding happiness and peace and the idea or fantasy will never amount to the real thing.
So this is the question of what is real? The only way I have ever been able to tell is that I just feel it in the center of my chest, this feeling of completeness and total rightness with the situation. However, you never want to go with what other people consider this feeling to be like; yes you can glean their perspective, but until you find it for you, it is an a ghostly piece of a puzzle that will never truely fit your own, because you are a unique different individual. However, all this is for you to learn, because if we want to break out of the confining ways of sadness and despair , we have to take action and put forth an effort that is real. You owe it to yourself to show all that you have survived and all that you have overcome that you are not giving up. Through this quintessential exertion, we basically sweat the toxins of the negativity the mind possesses and in doing so work through it all to change it. The thing that is even more interesting is that this also helps you learn more and more about your self an how you are always changing. You get to see your own complexity and get taken away by it when you realize who it is that you truly are.
One decision at a time, one step, and before you know it,it will be your second nature until you decide to strive for some better way to be when you feel you have surpassed what you already do. And it may seem monotonous and it may seem like Sisyphus pushing the rock, except it isn't. There is always advancement, there is always more, there is always a next level of self improvement. It's not the same thing, it is different and better because you are moving forward, and every challenge is going to make you stronger for the next. There will be moments of struggle and their will be moments of learning from one's mistakes, but that is life being lived truly with the good and the bad.
You have all that you need in your heart and around you. My parents always tell me to follow my heart and I will never go wrong, and I feel that statement, as far as i'm concerned, is 100% true, because there is always a purpose and sometimes I have the honor of seeing a piece of that purpose. Now that can be truly fulfilling, and help put a mind at ease when thinking about diving into one's own ocean to battle all the sea monsters there to fight for the innocence and love that resides within.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
July 7, 2016
Often times it can be seen that people have a cause that they have fought for a while and they start to forget why they even bothered in the first place. This type of forgetting is not linked to the mind but to the heart. The feeling that they previously had that made their heart sing because it fet so incredibly right is lost and replaced with a subtle layer of doubt, fear, cynicism, and exhaustion, all forming a hard concrete layer around their heart leaving them emotionally confused.
This layer on the heart is an illusion bread by your mind slowly over time. It builds like sediment on your heart, as if it were a sunken ship in the ocean. With every negative emotion toward your convictions and every doubtful comment or glance from someone who's opinion means something to you, it adds to it, some quicker than others. The real question to this happenstance is: how does one over come this?
Simply, one has to feel. I know have written posts in the past about feeling and being brave enough to do so to see things differently, but it is also needed to free yourself of your mind and ground your self in your decisions. There are choices we make in life that are, some that can only be, lead with our hearts so if that understanding of feeling gets mucked up there is a potential for loss to occur with one decision.
Just think about it like this: forget their doubt because this is not their life, forget the worry because things will work themselves out as they need to, look how far you have come and discard the tired eyes because you are not done. After this, you search inside your self and you dig deep past the sediment and you open your self up to the 'why' again. Let that fill you up and feel it for a while; literally take some time to just feel the intensity of your convictions and remember them completely. Then, ground yourself in them, and let every knowledgable decision be driven by that feeling. It is better for a person to be driven by what they feel in their heart in a positive way, however, that choice is made on an individual basis, to which only the individual can control.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
June 28, 2016
There is some true beauty that lies within all. That beauty is strength, uniqueness, individuality, drive determination, kindness, and love. Granted we all have our darker sides, but it's how we decide to overcome them that makes people truely beautiful.
Every Person has in-depth complexities that make them who they are and if you ever get a chance to witness such complexities aside from your own, learn from that experience. There are a great many people with a great many different way they see things and to witness something as such would change and expand one's own views. It's a great adventure, looking into the eyes of another and seeing there soul.
My latest anthology of poetry called "Quintessential Exposure: An Anthology of Poetry" highlights the different perspectives and struggles people still strive through even when they feel as if they are struggling terribly.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
June 23, 2016
There is something so profound about admitting one's faults to one's self. It's freeing in a way when you can openly say, "yes, i am afraid, i am terrified," and tack on for more of a hopeful ending to such a bleak admittance, "but i won't let that control me and keep me further from what I have worked to hard to get to." People nowadays are so afraid and let that fear control them and it destroys so much. The fear of resentment for honest feelings, the fear of being seen as different, the fear of the unknown, the fear of reality, and the fear that what they thought was perfect is actually human and has faults.
The thing is, you can't take away the fear that rests in the heart of another. That is for them to do on their own. They have to want it as much as they want the things that make their hearts sing. We have to want it for ourselves because breaking out of the comfort zone take a real effort. No body wants to let go and change. Change is one of the most terrifying things of all because just when you think you have it all figured out, the world does a flip on you and you have to relearn everything again while still keeping in mind all that you had previously learned.
Fear, however, does serve a purpose. It is a mechanism that helps you realize your faults and makes you stronger; it is basically the weight the powerlifter trains with and every time the powerlifter overcomes one he goes on to one that is a little heavier. So if it isn't built up as this crazy thing in out minds and we actually take a look at what fear actually is, we gain clarity and perspective or, better yet, clarity in our true perspective in life. What we grow from and what we choose to shake off of us is the future steps of where we will be because we have a choice in the matter. That is always one thing to remember, we always have a choice no matter what. The consequences of said choice may lead us to a certain decision because of their severity, however the choice remains regardless to do what we feel is right or to not. For clarification, what i mean by, "do what we feel is right," is to go with that feeling that resides deep inside you that you know with every fiber of your being is the right thing to do, regardless of what others would have you do. Now you need your mind to interpret this feeling, because heart and mind are meant to be used together, however if you go with pure logic you will falter; if you lead go wit your heart and lead into the situation without proper tact, you will falter.
So if one is to make any decision, one must face the facts and face themselves and recognize their fears and what is indeed holding them back. Once you can do this, you next move will be easier to glean from this world that is as unpredictable and vexing as it is majestic and eye opening.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
June 9, 2016
The hardest part,
Is trying to swallow,
As the fist tightens around,
Your fragile neck.
Wisps of air,
You want to claw,
Pretend it's not there.
Everything is fine"
Said through escaping tears,
And painfully forced smiles.
Once your enemy and fear,
Is now the solace you escape to,
Quiet sobs, in a darkened room.
The fist tightens,
Then starts to loosen,
Until you can breathe.
To care any longer,
Or give any fucks,
You can breathe now,
And for now,
(This poem will also be in my next ebook anthology of poetry.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~)
June 6, 2016
It is always interesting rummaging through my old poems and pictures that I did when I was younger. It is a representation of change and allows me to do quick or slow reflections, depending on the depth of the piece, of my former understanding. We call is it "nostalgia" but that tern has a negative connotation that someone is lingering in the past. However, what is it that draws our attention to the old dusty pile of notebooks from days long past? What is that drive to look back through the windows we created long ago? It's something more-i mean it breathes the very essence of something more, because there is never just one emotional outcome. We look and we feel sad, happy, mortified, stunned, and nostalgic. It is a self actualization in the present that completely drives us through all that we have felt and experienced, but here's the kicker: once you have gone and done the exclamations of emotions remembered and start to really settle in to that peaceful state of getting-it, you start to change again and you advance. As you grow older, this moment shortens, because it seems time goes by faster.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
May 31, 2016
Now, if you recall that post I wrote called "To Love from A Distance", it was the idea that you still harbor a free type love for a person you feel for or that has hurt you but you still love. This idea isn't fool proof, in fact, as idea's go, it has side effects. These side effects are seen when you start to be pushed into a new state of being through the infamous Changes of Life. The side effect is: one can get too used to loving from a distance because they are used to never having their deep feelings reciprocated; however, when it is indeed reciprocated, it can be frightening because it's new ground, it's love so it's full of messy erratic emotions, your fantasy is broken by the blunt force trauma of reality, and you actually have an opportunity to go somewhere as apposed to staying in the safe state of "I will always love you".
The question you have got to ask your self is, what happens when I fall in love with someone else and the love is actually truely reciprocated and from a deeper and more true place than any other I have silently loved? It would be wise to ask this question before you actually fall in love with someone and realize it after the fact. Of course one would think that that is the time to let go of old, but unless you are a very excepting, realistic, go-with-the-flow type of person, that could be hard because of the comfort of all you know. Another question is, how do you know that the love your willing to jeopardize your comfort and mental well being for is actually real and worth it?
The phrase, "you just know," does it no justice even though it is technically a real truth, I have found. What it is, is a sense of peace and a feeling of completeness, also a deep, deep, deep, feeling inside that you have telling you that you are on the right path. Your mind can only interpret the feeling by breaking it up into a sad clump of words that don't really seem to make sense in that order, or even together, but your heart can embrace it like a cool breeze that washes over you after a hard days work. Your mind and your heart and meant to be working together: your mind being the realisticness and interpretation for understanding as well as your questions and ideas, but your heart is that b one deep truth that cannot be washed away, denied, or cut out; just not chosen to be acted upon. The heart gets a bad rap because it is a feeling machine and, for all clarity, I don't mean the actual muscle, I mean the core of your self, your center, that part you cover when in pain that torturously refuses to break bones. That is your heart, and it has the capability to take you to the vast depths of emotional being but at the same time rise to help you overcome every ounce of anguish with a mad drive and determination.
So, when you are deciding to let someone go because you understand now what it is to not only love, but truly be loved in return, it's not that your cutting the piece of your heart with that former love out, it's that you keep their mark and you give your heart riddled with scars and tattooed imprints of possible futures to your future and you let them love it all the same. It's not a good bye, because there are never any true good bye's, there is never an end but a progression due to change; the end is an illusion, for there always is, always was, and always shall be what is. So, it's a declaration of "I refuse to wrap myself around you any further, there will be that love for you still in my heart, but my heart itself, belongs to another."
It's not sad, it's not happy, it is the very essence of balance and peace. You may want to have a dramatic good bye, and a hard core scene where you fall to the floor and do heart wrenching sobs as you pack away that picture and close that chapter, but there is no true need for that. It is truly a beautiful and wholesome process that shows strength, especially because of what your doing it for. It's for yourself, your true love, and the one you decided to love even when you got nothing. It savors as an essence of more and a telling of what a true heart is capable of. It is a beautiful thing to behold.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
May 15, 2016
So, in my many study of what success means to people and what it feels like for other people, I have to say i do agree with Jared Leto and his understanding that the successful part of all the work that you have done to get to that point of achievement is enjoyable, but not the end. People have remarked that that I have finally achieved my dreams, and I have just begun.
I have successfully self-published two anthologies of poetry, with a definite guarantee for another on deeper human emotions and perceptions, and am working on a string of novellas. The really rewarding thing, I feel, is to have the knowledge that I, in fact, can accomplish my dreams. The ability is there withing my very will and to see that is a beautiful thing. Forget the petty narcissism and the empty desire to be acknowledged for the accomplishments one has made; there resides in myself something deeper than that. That deeper thing has got me here, and yes, though there is a part of me that wants to be like, "OK, I have done some of what I want to do, time to sleep for ages," I refuse to leave something that is so precious to me unfinished because it is common to think that the start of something is 'good enough'. That would be a complete disgrace to all the work, all the stress, all the falls, and all the rises that took me to get here. So, I refuse to stop, and happily so at that. I have started it and I am here, so i must continue.
My first works: Here
My second works: Here
Both of these links are also on my page "Works of a Dreamer"
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
May 13, 2016
I am a 20 year old woman who is learning the ways of life, and well, as I have said, they're hard. Oh, and there is nothing more humbling than being reminded about how little you know, about anything. I am one to give advice to people who need it by seeing their problem and pointing out the solution, Sometimes all a person needs is the view detached from their mired mind and chaotic emotions to really grasp at what it is that they must do; then it's just about working up the nerve to do it.
But what happens when the one who gives the advice is put into the unique position where the action needed to solve her problem is in fact the basic action of no action pertaining to the problem at all? What if she was just meant to wait? Wait? WAIT?? Ugh, it is sheer torture! On a less comical note this is one hell of a brick of humility.
The thing about advice and it's giving is that you posses a level of detachment so the other person has clarity and so that you don't get destroyed yourself for their pain. It is a very fine line, a very sensitive window, and very thin ice to be treading across because, if you aren't careful, you drown in all their emotions. Detachment in one's life in general can be one of the best things to maintain, however it can't always be maintained. The walls of the dam are made of materials that were born to deteriorate, so that when the time comes, something better can stand in it's place. Well, my damn, dam broke and my heart is overflowing all over my sanity, calm, happiness, "plans", and the rest of my organs; all because i am forced to be in a position of waiting and functioning while I wait for something spectacular to grace the tips of my fingers and the tips of my tongue. What i have been dreaming of since i was but a little romantic five year old who saw the world as a beautiful adventure is signed and sealed, but awaiting the opportune moment for actual delivery. What is cruelty and what is torture, if not this? What needs to specifically get done in order for the reception of a blessing beyond the very fabric of expression? What are the legitimate steps i need to follow in order for that key to properly turn to open that one door? I don't have the faintest clue, and i have this aching suspicion that i won't either, not until i have already fulfilled said requirements and i have attained the reason for my heart beat.
Though this is one of the most irritating things i could do to myself at the moment, i will do this because, well, what the hell: I gotta ask myself what advice i would give...myself. The reason why it irritates is because of it's simplicity. Being wrapped in emotions and then giving yourself advice is the most irritating thing, especially when you are right. I have done this on accident on a few occasions, so why not take control of that and do it on purpose for a change?
Ok, here is what i would say, "If what you are waiting for is worth it, then you have only the choice to wait in a good way or a bad way. You can linger about emotion stricken and sullen all day, or you can prepare yourself for what's coming to you by becoming the best person you can be. I am not saying to stuff your emotions because that gets you no where but a world of hurt in the future. You deal with your emotions by feeling them and then deciding why you feel the way you do and if it's purposeful to your daily life function to consume yourself with them every day. There is a wait for a reason, there is time in between life changing things for a reason, and you are meant to develop better for the life changing times so that you are ready for them. You may say that you are ready, but if yo were and if the time was right there would be no need for the wait. So for now, all you need to do is have that knowing that that something wonderful is coming your way and work on yourself until then. There is no rush and don't try to push it or it will become tainted and just continue to cause you agony. Find peace with the wat and before you know it, it'll be right before your very eyes at an arms length."
Yep, that was extremely irritating and vexing at the same time, but damn it, it's true. I hope this helps anyone in a similar situation of dealing with the infamous "Wait" we all must undergo at some point in our life.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
May 1, 2016
So there is this lovely thing life had to offer. It is something that involves time, change, growth, and coming full circle. It seems when you are in a position of ignorance, life will deal you a few lessons regarding the thing you want most. Such things never come on your time, that is the hardest thing to learn. There are those that are all for forcing something into existence, only to find that what they had invested in wasn't all that worth it. On the other hand, there are those things that are wanted so bad but abandoned out of fear and pure impatience. So much opportunities are lost when fear is left to run amuck inside your heart. Loves can be lost and hopes can be quickly tarnished as the thriving root of fear spreads its way to your nerves, causing the partial paralysis of your heart. Such a state is cold but it is "safe". Such a word would usually be a comfort except for the fact that people who are root-deep in their comfort zone use this word all to often.
It is only when we decide to break away from that fear that we see the true picture. When ever we decide to break away from fear, there doesn't have to be a big, grandiose jester to symbolize your breaking away. It may take time. Little victories that consist of overcoming an insecurity, sticking up for things you believe in, speaking strongly and confidently, and then before you know it, you are looking at a situation you experienced, what seemed like ages ago, with a fresh pare of eyes and understanding.
Those moments can be so humbling. You start to see that the tings you claimed to be confident in were actually the things you were scared of most and all the reasons you decided the way you did were just your blatant ignorance dealing you a solid blow to the future you's gut. "Fool," you whisper to yourself, not scream, not holler, not blame on another, just a whisper because it is as undeniable as the wrench that twists your guts as you actualize the truth of your actions.
The only comfort, I feel, in those times of great shame, is when you can redeem yourself and make it right. Hope pulls at every atom of your exitance to make right what you can, what you dare. One would only need to want it.
April 27, 2016
Hello beautiful people of the world! Recently I have come to the conclusion that the most important thing for me to do right now is focus on my goals and myself. There has been a boom in marriages, kids, and parings amongst my generation and I too have been feeling the tug of that ever so wonderful thing known as a woman's biological clock. However, as nice as it is to put one's self out there and ideally find some strapping young man, I find the notion not as simple nor as rewarding as what lay before my eyes when ever I log into the sweet, headache inducing social media. Granted I am young but I find myself transitioning into certain states of being quicker than expected.
So, the current love's of my life happen to be my family and the written word. As far as that previously mentioned strapping young man, that I'm afraid will have to wait. As nice as my previous encounters are with former flames, they either served as, sadly, distractions or nay-sayers to my goals and dreams. It's an odd thing to come to this moment. I feel kinda like one of those women in a book who swear off men and just get their own life together living with themselves and all their accomplishments. Unfortunately this view is frowned upon still, because often times these type of women are depicted to be in their 30 to 40's who just gave up after a string of serial dating mishaps and now the only males in their life that they take care of are either cats or dogs.
Well, I am skipping the serial dating and wrapping my world around the family I still have to love and my goals in life. And you know what, it feels good to come to this point. This isn't a post to swear off men or to destroy the thought of becoming a future wife for some worthy guy, but to show that it is alright to have goals and it is alright to measure what is more important and more realistically fruitful to invest one's time in whether the investor be a lady or a gentleman. There are so many wonderful feelings in the world and being with a person that you see something more in is one of them. Hell, that was one of my first dreams when I was younger because I graced this world with the eyes of a romantic who loves deeply all she can. However, there are just some things you cannot force, one of them being the connection with someone that is backed with the impact of something real and truthful to both parties.
So, this lovely post is meant to empower not only myself but hopefully anyone else who feels that they must be with somebody to live a decent life, or any person that is feeling the pressure of finding someone in that way. It will come on it's own time when you are ready and, in the most serendipitous way possible, when you least expect it. Why? Because that's just the way these things work, perhaps not all the time, but as far as I can understand it anyway. There is no pressure, you do you, and enjoy the feeling of working for what you love and that's it. Life is meant to be lived pared off or not. Plus, all good to those who wait.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
April 25, 2016
Optimism is a sweet flavor but rare to procure when you are at the cusp of new experience. There is a distinct feeling to that type of sadness. IT is like a constant dull throb in the center of your chest. You start to slowly weaken and don't realize it until you look in the mirror one day and see the way your face kinda falls far after you offer yourself a mock smile. Why is this? Why does the heart give such a dull ache that exponentioally tears you apart as the days go by. Why does it have to hurt so much? Ah, what is it so feel. Ranges of emotions cascade like nerves that twinge at every sound and sensation that serves as a reminder. The things they ruined with the audacity to think selfishly turn to dust in your mouth and sours your smile.
The only cures for such an affliction is to continue. Then you take back all that they have tainted, all that you have let them taint. As much as possible, as much as you can, don't do it out of spite. Spite, anger, and hatred are the patches that let the blood of hurt cause a cancerous tumor underneath. You must take it back and own your pain. They caused it yes, but if you take control of it your realize it's your pain you feel. it's yours. It's a part of you that inevitably you must surpass, however there needs to be steps to surpass it. You must take the time to lance your heart's infected emotional tissue to fully heal. It's hard though because you don't want to feel; you don't want to break that dam and make that river flow. It is a fear that once you fall apart you won't be able to stop and you'll fall apart until their is nothing left. But that fear is a lie. The truth is that you learn to pick yourself up and you never wait for someone else to do it for you. The more you keep it in the more you hurt yourself internally, and if you can sustain your pain, you can overcome it.
So own it, these tears, these screams, the heart wrenching emotions of a hope for something you have longed for since you were young being snatched from you. Don't become numb as those who hurt others without conscious and then move along with their life. Dare to feel more than they could even imagine. You are not strong if you have only ever felt happiness and joy, you are not strong if you have only ever known ease and comfort, you are strong because you stare pain in the face and say, "Embrace me, old friend, and let us know one another again."
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
April 23, 2016
One beautiful thing I have been learning about lately is that no matter how much you try, there are going to be those days where you just have to push on with where you want to be in life and what you truly want to do. Not every one is going to support you and your decisions in life, but that's ok. Support from others is nice and extremely empowering but it is even more empowering if you support and believe in yourself. It's like your being tested by all the ney-sayers along with the people who try to knock you in a different direction. It makes such an irritating impact, so much that you begin to see those who really are interested in helping you move forward with your dreams and ambitions.
You have the dream, you work it how you want to. Any one who wants to impede you in that is just the universe's way of testing your conviction. This is yours, your baby, your hopes, and your dreams. Go for it and don't let anyone try to tell you that it will never pan out r that it's all a joke. You want this, so go for it.
No one really knows who you are or what you want to do unless they actually take the time to get to know your heart and all it's yearnings. So, all the words they spout and all the discussions they tote at you as they try to steal that spark in your eyes, is just air to CO2 ready to be changed into some valuable oxygen you may need for when you are achieving your dreams.
April 15, 2016
So a beautiful realization I hadn't realized in a long time just hit me like a tun of feathers. Usually, i would encourage a person to control their emotions and contain themselves whilst they think about the situation and come to terms with certain realities. Well, just because you come to terms with certain realities, that doesn't mean your gonna stop being angry, hurt, sad, or any of the other emotions that are not desired. Usually, usually, the unfavorable emotions pass when I better understand a situation, or person; lately, however, I have understood all to well, but that doesn't make the follies I was subjected to excusable. That doesn't mean I should become basically a martyr to my understandings and just discount the fact that I felt hurt, discontented, cheated, and easily pushed aside.
Now, I would not suggest anyone linger in those emotions, however, they don't just go away. They have an energy about them that lingers and if not dealt with can cause some serious damage, slowly. Why slowly? Slowly, because it gets stored, not stuffed, but stored in the back of your mind as the memories of 'that person' or 'that situation' always hold a bitter sting as they get triggered on the regular day to day. It's the little things that count, as I have mentioned in other posts; so, you figure, you have a little twinge of pain, that may start to shape your entire life until you are in the throws of the most undesirable emotion of all: depression.
So, I say to anyone that has a greater understanding of someone and their follies and have been hurt by them: feel that anger. Let it tear through you like an unforgivable tornado battling the tyrant of the rain, cry those sweet, sweet tears of excruciating sadness, bellow out all the rage in an open field, let all the things you wanted to say fly from your mouth in a room with just you and your bed, ask the ever biting question of why in total agony, and do it all shamelessly so because you are not meant to be happy about everything. You are not meant to except things that are fucked up and be happy about it. You feel. You are allowed to be angry. It just shows that you are no longer allowing things to slide, because it's time for you not to. And after your sweet moment of neutralizing that negative energy with action, curl up and rest a bit, or bust out some lovely, good food, or even pop in a movie you love, and enjoy the things, those little things, that make your life 100% better in the smallest, sincere way. Why? Because, it's yours and you deserve to be happy. Though you can't always achieve it, you deserve to be blissfully, peacefully, truly, and unequivocally happy.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
April 13, 2016
You cannot tame my passionate soul,
You may as well dance with it,
Soon igniting a flame within you.
I would not place you on a pedestal,
Yet I so easily trip over the one,
You constructed for me with your bare fantasies.
If my feelings were to ever touch your lips,
The LSD trip would take you to worlds,
And out of the comfort of the zone you call home.
Anger and hatred would do you and I no justice,
For each feeling is empty and as painfully easy to fall upon,
As the interest you lost along with your will fight.
I cannot deny my understanding of you,
Nor can I cast aside this wretched, tiring ache,
Inspired by the toying done to the sincerity of my heart.
My edges will soften, and harsh shall wisdom be polished,
But the battles I fight are born of 'what if' and 'if only',
In the same breath that bore the weight of 'who cares anyway'.
This bitter sweet malice that drips from the same tongue,
That made you see stars has the capability to cut you so deep,
However I save my razor words for a battle of wit that brings a passion I can actually savour for a while.
There are points in time where you feel the weight of all you see, feel, and know around you. These moments can be triggered by anything. You loose you breath at the same time as your chest feels outstretched. You feel the stiffness in your tensed throat and you wish you could stop the sensation of irritability that is slowly making it's way up your spine and to your ears making every little sound and every little phrase feel like a personal disservice to your mind. It's like an odd mixture of anxiety, distress, and panic. When that arises in me, I will just simply state, "I need a moment."
The interesting part about this is that it helps so much. To separate yourself from a stressful situation for but a moment to occupy a space that is without any other complex person about you, is one of the most centering things ever. In this you are free to make the faces of distain that you have painfully been hiding behind your mask of no-opinion, universal-exceptance, you can say all the things that you were holding back deep down in your throat in one relieving breathe, you can fall to the floor and enjoy not having to sustain gravity on your shoulders for a bit, and most importantly, the tears that you had been painfully choking back, for the sake of some social dignity, can flow from you freely in a set of wrenching sobs or a quick crumble of the face. In that moment you demand, then rightfully take, you can still yourself long enough to fill your lungs with the air they so need; you can finally breathe.
Whether it comes before or after, taking a breath is what grounds me. Being in a room of people who are too concerned with the supply of air for their gossip or being in a situations where you are stressed and frustrated, can suck the very air from you. So don't let it. Demand your moment, take it, rid yourself of the mire that builds in your body and enjoy the freeing feeling of a breathe taken not out of pure bodily necessity, but emotional clarity as well.
Your breathe, you breathing, shows that you are still alive carrying on, but where and how you take it determines whether or not you want to go on.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
April 8, 2016
This morning, to my utter delight, when i stepped outside i was greeted with the lovely scent of petrichor that was being spread by the wind through the trees and straight to my just-woken face. It was like magic, for it transported me to when I was just a little third grader every one starred at after school because I waited for my mother in the cool rain instead of taking refuge under the canopy. Then, I was again taken to the moment right before i would head to the gates of my middle school where i would stop and admire the mystical mist that would gather in the orchards just across the street. There the cool air would pinch my cheeks and my lungs would fill with that sweet petrichor sent.
These small things, so dear to my heart, have not greeted me in a long time. It seems that in times of struggle or hardship, we cling to moments and quiet comforts that are so special and all to ourselves, but when we progress beyond that time of pain, we can leave these things behind. It's like we forget; I forgot. I was never the type of child to see the world in the view of how my parents and society painted it. I looked for the 'More' in everything before it became a nessecity for coping, as well as in the future, a seeking mechanism of beauty and character. There is a connection there that I, as well as every thing, moment, and living entity, am apart of something more. I forgot that feeling, and remembered the concept, however, fate and destiny have a way of making you remember just at the right moments when you need it most. I tell you what, I am so thankful for it because I know I needed it.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
April 5, 2016
This time, it is not the silence that is deafening. It's the rapidity of my thoughts as the zoom about the air around me, hoping to catch a glimpse of reason and understanding. I feel tired; like that bone deep kind of tired that not only makes your bones ache but also calls your emotions to dance about bringing up wast moments spanning in useless infinite circles of stagnant from a couple seconds ago to my childhood.
Thusly, i have come to the conclusion that i am in a reflection period. My essence is wanting me too realise something i am not seeing though it may hang right before my eyes. Sight is ever changing and life is rolling so I can't afford to stand still in my miring thoughts. I can't afford to just let them continue in infinite circles of stagnant motion and infinite should never be the goal. Eternal is my spirit, is my love, and i can't stay in one spiritual attitude whilst the world makes its motions of change. These things i can do and will do.
Most people won't recognize this without a series of grunts and groans as a way to describe that their life has taken some turn for the lack-luster tone that fills their ears. Much of the same look on life I have has held this. No matter how happy I am with the miniscule moments of instant gratification or the greater moments being with one who makes my heart smile, there is no cure for it sought out side myself. I don't know about other people, but I can't rely on outside sources because those aren't garenteedto stick around so its better i learn how to shine my own life and be pleasantly surprised when the gift of bright stars light from the outside in to my heart for a change.
April 3, 2016
I wish you could hold me.
Float me too a time,
Where ears are not,
Just the addition.
Muffle the booming voices,
of an already loud place,
So I can hear your whisper.
Carry me to a remote island,
So that i may know its fruits,
And taste the difference.
Guide my heart,
To your sandy shores of love,
So that our commiseration,
May unfold with our hearts.
Hold me, please.
What whispers from scarred heart that all can hear. Is it a whimper; is it a shout; is it a cold cry longing to be loved? No, it is a cynical hope that we say to the air when no one is around. Love is something we know we are capable of and willing to share but we have an understanding of the rest of the world that every one is afraid to be betrayed and afraid to even try.
We should always try, even if fear still lingers.
But why, right? What is the point? Why try, when at every turn and at every crossing we hit a block that weakens our spirit and constantly weighs on our shoulders like the very baggage every person jokes about, carries, and judges another for? What can we possibly reach if we stick our hand in the dark and try to touch the idea of a flickering light that holds a hue that unlocks ours?
Even further, how can you show love to someone who refuses to touch the exotic leaves of love for fear of the side effects of the wrong leaf?
What would I do? I would give it a try non the less, and give my love on on levels freely. Why? Because i don't care about the fear, of the loss, or the hurt. It is a risk that is taken out of hope and love inherently. The love i have, the love that I know courses through my veins, serves for a greater purpose than to stay locked up to my self, shuttered in by every doubt placed there by all those who weren't able to except the depth of feeling as well as the strength of it all. I have a hope that will stay, always.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
March 22, 2016
It is always interesting to come across a person that just beams their uniqueness. In that small moment, you can see them in all their ethereal beauty smiling back at you through eyes that serve as windows they chose to look out of, at you. Such moments are precious and far too rare. Most people cloud their beauty with doubts and facades that tear their understanding of themselves to even smaller shreds than before. Most times once you look, once you notice this person in all their true splendor, they shrink away, afraid of the feeling of another seeing them for who they really are. Fear of scrutiny is the great culprit. It lies in every crevice of every scar produced from cruel words of another. It is only when we choose to look at ourselves without the shades of others clouding our judgement, that we start to truly shine. Hiding in the darkened thoughts of those darkened themselves breeds room for vicious cycles and actions taken out of hurt. Break the cycle, and the next time you look into a mirror, look into your eyes and see the beauty that someone out their craves to hold, because there is always at least someone other than yourself. Always.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
March 15, 2016
I think what I miss most,
Was the feel of his hands.
Strong hands that seemed,
To be also so gentile.
I think i miss most,
Was the touch of his lips,
On my heart when i made him,
Burst into laughter.
I think I miss the most,
Was the way his eyes looked,
Their gaze seeing something,
Always seeing what no other could.
I think I miss,
The unwavering comfort,
In his embrace,
Oh that contentment.
His eyes, those I miss,
Not the color,
But what lied beneath,
There was a whole world,
A whole beautiful world,
Waiting for me to see, feel it.
What I miss most is,
No longer mine to miss.
Though, I do with all my heart,
The thing that I love about poetry, is that it has always been my way to express how I feel with just enough that who ever reads it, gets the more important flavor of an experience, than the course texture of drama.
~Thoughts of a dreamer~
March 14, 2016
After coming down from my recent heigh of being wanted, I realized with a great bitterness, lurch of sadness, and hope, that peoples eye's, when in relation to their heart, cannot see. You can express every auditory assurence of ones passionate, sincere love and hope for the future, but the lack of envisionment chokes the sweet nothings. What does tell the truth so well, is the sensations and the undeniable yearning and urginges for one reaching out to touch another for reasons not known. There are also the heart palpitory reflections that we face when that one is ever on the mind. However, the significant one to our romantically inclined selves can hold the stars and still think themselves but a simple grain of sand. It is sad, and it hurts, but the one thing they will learn in time is that as sweet as it is to fervently love another, it is never complete without loving oneself, for without that, how can the love you express truly come from within?
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
March 6, 2016
One thing that has been brought to my attention as of late is that one can get used to being alone. Now it will be so bemoaned by the one, that there is a dramatic yearning and a whole perfect fantasy of the former state of being, but, as always, the fantasy is never the same as the real thing. It is an interesting thing to behold, in all of its splendor, the person who constantly dreams of no longer being lonely, start to break from that state they are so used to and then stumble, crumble, and fall. The thoughts that linger float by as, this is not at all what I had expected, and well, it never is.
Things we people go through are so much harder and so much more intricately different than imagined. Of course, with everything in life, there is that one small moment where we go through something that we only dreamed or thought about and say, "yep, that was exactly how I imagined it would be," and to be honest, those moments can be rather boring. The interesting moments come when you are in the thick of a new experience and you are faced with the ideals of the ones closest to you, the ideals of society, the ideals of your own ignorant development, and the those feelings that are described as your heart and your gut telling you the steps that you are supposed to take. Those moments are key because you have to choose; for the betterment of ones advancement, you have to choose.
So here is, the moment that you have to choose a way to be, a way to think, and a way to react on a subject and experience that you realize with great immensity that you have no foundational understanding of, except what you have see and what you have imagined. This is life at its finest, but it is so hard to realize it. Most times, people miss this because it is so hard to pull back from the craze of one's life to see what exactly is going on in it. Yes, somewhere in the back of their mind there is a lingering thought, but it is rarely exciting enough to draw ones attention.
Where would yo go from there, though? What should you follow? Would you go for the simpler route and follow someone elses ideas, try to string together some of your own to help you in this experience your depth know not, or take a leap of faith with a heart/gut instinct with the vast insecurity of not knowing the outcome beyond that of which your mind can imagine? This is tough, but learning is seldom without taxation of our logic, emotions, and perceptions. The best one could do, I feel, is try to find some glimmer of excitement and adventure in the messes, old and new, that life gives us to sort though. We get to keep stuff, clean out other stuff, and ultimately learn about what it is exactly that we are going though, it would just be wise to make it more than just trials and tribulations to out weary minds and hearts.
March 2, 2016
What is it to crave somebody? What is it to want them close and feel their presence? What is it to long for someone that you know is not yet there by your side? What is it to have the deepest urge to stretch ones hand out and feel their warmth? What is it to have the most pressing need to hear their voice and see the light in their eyes as they speak to to you on their day?
To go further, what is it to feel? What is it to try not to at the same time so that the feeling doesn't consume you completely only to have it taken away, leaving you cold and bare? how do you find that balance, how do you know its real, how do you express without seeming odd or too emotional? How do you express your heart but not let it envelope you completely? How does logic fit into that situation? How does one find the middle between pretending not to care at all and letting that care flow overly so? How do you find the peace from the mire of your mind?
With every single thing that is new, you cant expect one to get it right right off. There is just no way. Stories and experiences can be shared but there will always be a degree unfathomable until the situation unique to that person or persons presents itself.
There is gonna be frustration and confusion and embarrassment and awkward moments of silence, but there will also laughter and understanding and serious moments where the rest of the cluttering bullshit doesn't matter. Its an adventure, a test, and experience wrapped up in a stumling bumbling mess of perspective and understanding constantly being reshaped. If we look to hard, its seemingly not worth it; however, if we pull back and look at the big picture, its so beautiful.
February 27, 2016
There are moments,
So few in breath,
And so little in taste,
That pass leaving me,
Caving for more.
Of cherries I,
Didn't even taste,
Roll around like,
A bit of gold in my mouth,
Waiting to be grace,
To the earth whence it came.
My smile is a gift,
To life and the world,
To show it,
I love it so deeply.
February 24, 2016
There is far too much time waisted on over thinking and worry. It turns people into snakes wrapping around loved ones for fear of ever letting go. This is no way to live. The ones who try to hold fast and tight to the sand from their hour glass loose more than a person who carefully and calmly excepts that things change. Every one is in such a hurry to keep something or to "not loose", but man, they've already lost the point. There is a fine line between living life to the fullest foolishly and foolishly wrapping duty around it making it a constant, never ending cycle of you only giving, never receiving. There has to be a middle to wobble in between comfortably as a top, we just individually have to find it.
February 23, 2016
There was never more than one thing rolling around in Miriam's head. Yes she thought of most average day-to-day things, but she always was cycling back in her head to a time when things where a little...different. She always came to the same conclusion after a long day at the craft shop; it would always hit her when she started to lock up and look around at the silent still night that surrounded her. You cant change your past or your face, she would always think when she turned back to gaze at her reflection in the darkened shop glass door. She would trace the edges of her burn on the left half of her face. She would smooth her hand over her scarred eyelid that she could never fully close. She still loved her face and every single thing about it. She looked at it like a test for weaker minded, a test that most would not pass and that fault would lie solely with them.
One night she was closing up shop like usual, and when she turned to have her private look at her face, as she always did, the scar was gone. She frantically felt the smooth, unscarred skin with her hands and was about to feel a feeling of pure joy before she heard her mothers voice eco in her head. Miriam, her mother said in a way that only her lips can say that make her hackles rise at the insult that would follow, you know, there is this great plastic surgeon I know that can take that scar right away and your life will be right back to normal.
"No," Miriam said simply, when her mother started to reply, all Miriam had to do was give her one look.
"Fine," her mother said in a huff, "I don't understand how you can stand the state of yourself. I mean your lips are intact and your eyes are still that lovely ice blue, but its all for nothing with that scar. Who would want you."
"Perhaps, mother, you cant understand it because you would not be able to handle this. You are not strong enough and as far as anyone wanting me, I don't care if nobody wants me, because I do, and that's all that matters."
She looked back at her reflection to see her face as it truly was. Every indent, every bundle of tissue, and every line she moved her hand across was so smooth and soft. She regrets nothing, and loves her face. Not even the woman who birthed her could change that. Besides she knew where her true beauty lies, and it was way more complex than skin deep.
She turned around to see that a vehicle on this still and silent night start to make its way to her shop. She watched it curiously for a few moments until it parked in front of her. A man stepped out holding a box in his hand.
"Hey, are you the woman who owns this shop?" He asked her while staring her straight in the eyes. When she nodded he smiled. "I'm Tomas, we spoke on the phone about my mothers old mirror, I wanted to know if you could replace the glass." She remembered him right away.
"Yes, that is right. You called a couple days ago. I wasn't expecting you till the morning," she said as she shook his hand.
"Well I was around and I had it in my truck already so I thought 'why not'. Where you just closing up?"
"Oh yeah, but its OK, didn't have anything planned today anyway," she turned to unlock the door and looked at his reflection as she spoke, "sorry about the sight, it can be a bit much for some people."
"Oh, no need to apologize for that, that's not what shocked me at all." She was about to open the door but stopped to turn and look at him.
"What did shock you, exactly?" she asked somewhere in between feeling insulted and curious. He looked her in the eyes, and smiled.
"Your eyes, they are quite beautiful." Her brow furrowed.
"They're just blue."
"No," he said, "they are loving, as well as blue." She shook her head and opened the door. Flicking on the lights, she turned to get a better look at her customer. He was very handsome and well toned by what she could tell. he had brown eyes and dark brown hair. what she hadn't noticed before however was the long scar that trailed from under the right side of his lip to go how ever further down, beneath his black T-shirt. He smiled at her when she looked him over, and when she noticed he was, she looked away instantly.
"I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean to stare."
"Its alright," he said, "I don't mind it. Plus your stare is not like the others."
"What is that supposed to mean," she said when she turned to look at the box in his hands. He walked over to her and handed her the box.
"What I mean is," he said still holding the box as she did, "you don't see the scar on the person, you see the person behind the scar."
"And how do you know that," she asked staring up at his eyes this time. He smiled again as he looked down at her.
"I know that because there, even now, is no judgement or fear behind them. Believe me, I can tell, i can always tell." She gave way to a smile that reached the very eyes he couldn't stop looking into.
Push me to the Brink,
Of my feeble understanding,
Then send me sweet gentile reminders,
Of the little things we cherish.
Blow my mind,
With the images of what is,
What has been,
What will be,
And what is forever possible.
To look beyond,
The sometimes fruitless ventures,
Of a girls sad, cynical mind,
And give me hope to see again.
Open my eyes, heart, and mind,
With Just enough mystery,
To have enough wonder,
To question why,
For my eyes are weary,
Of this cold imitated light,
That surrounds like,
A Florescent hell.
February 22, 2016
Moving like a dove,
On the smooth shining floor.
There was no stopping her,
But her eyes,
They hung heavy.
Eyes turned from her,
Some held their hearts,
Others just turned away,
Not wishing for her view,
To wrapped up in their own.
When she fell,
Some helped for pride,
One grabbed her hand,
Looking it over,
Asking with his voice and eyes,
If she was alright.
There are those who actually care about us for who we are and make it so what we feel becomes their concern. Some we can see, but others we cannot because we are so busy waiting for someone to look at us. So just dance, and be free, be you. What you recieve may be what yu want but also what you need.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
February 20, 2016
The wind it knows,
Where the darkness grows.
It sores with a warning,
To Stay inside till Morning.
The wind, if you believe,
Can, in fact, breathe,
New life into a heart,
That craved breath from the start.
The wind, it whispers,
Through the trees, its keepers,
To tell stories to all,
All those who can hear the call.
The wind it flows,
Through my hair and my clothes,
As I greet the coming storm,
Arms open in bird form.
February 18, 2016
I could take a look around myself and see that there is a lot more but, how will I see what is really important? When will I see what is important and meaningful? The only answer I could glean from my life is that nothing ever comes before it's time. You can be staring at a spot you always walk by in your daily routine, and have this feeling that there is more to this spot, but easily shrug it off and go about your business until that moment you are hitting hard times and decide to sit on that spot and feel something like a rock poke you, realizing upon investigation that there had always been gold there waiting for you, always drawing your gaze but never fully seen until you where driven by those times of hardship and experience.
No matter how smart a person is or how cautious, things happen. We can, however, be damn sure that there is a reason for what pain we go through, even if we never see it. There are, amazingly, those moments when you go through something for so long and then when the change happens, the plan unfolds before your very eyes, the part you can understand, and it comes in the form of memories, flashbacks, pictures, movies, phrases, and feelings. And its beautiful; oh it is so beautiful. Moments like these it goes beyond understanding the concept, and knowing that things happen for a reason, but grounds you in a realization of how much of a physical actualization that is in your own life. It is more of that Unharnessable Magic at work.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
Some times we hold things that obstruct our path and our view of the world. we do this out of so many reasons, the most common it to keep ourselves buried in our comfort zone. As any student of life learns, comfort zones can become dangerous when lingered inside. It's kind of like a big blanket that just feeds on our breath until we can breathe no more and are forced out of it by our instinct to survive. often times more than not, people take this too far and indulge in the well known form of escapism called "willful ignorance". This, i am most certain is an epidemic. it is the equivalent to turning away from a person that is lying on the floor with a fatal wound, or covering your ears when someone screams for help against an attacker.
However, instead of hiding from our problems, there are those moments of victory when we deal with them in a good way. When that happens, we see things fall into place and realize that what ever we changed, was for the better completely. I feel that comfort zones are great for nurturing a new understanding of life, but they are not to be lingered in or we get stunted in our understanding, thusly not growing at all.
The goal is always to grow and learn. The reason for this is because, yes it's the better thing to do, but it is also more enjoyable. if there was a finality to all our understanding of the world that we have mastered all that there is to know, how boring would that be? There would be no mystery or wonder incorperated in our day to day lives and all the joy from the finding out what we don't know would be sucked from our lives. that is definitly no way to live. I am glad that i don't know everything that there is to know on everything because i feel like i'm getting better, wiser, and it helps eliviate the frigid manotony of the every day. That is what i will always hold with a smile, that there is always more.
February 12, 2016
I've been thinking of calling apart...
The problem is, well,
Where to start?
I could just loose it,
Loosen the grip,
Out burst in a fit.
I could let it go,
In the sight of many,
Just a stones throw.
I could embellish the walls,
With the insanity,
Of my discontented scrawls.
I could destroy it all,
And lay waste too the,
Over priced goods at the mall.
I could let the words fly,
And make some one feel,
Like their heart was gonna die.
I cap that anger,
Strap down that weakness,
And bear all my pain,
In sheer guarded silence,
And I wait.
February 9, 2016
One of the most purely frustrating things on the face of the earth is, seeing something more, something so profound in a person, that always resigns themselves to biting their tongue and giving way to the mediocre, clichéd dribble born from an outside influence. It kills me sometimes because i see more than just a potential to do great things; its more like one beholding a golden swan in their sights and it covering its eyes because they are not like all the others.
To those people I want to say, "Drop every ounce of the outsider's ideals as to how you should be and embrace that life in your heart, emerse yourself in that life that burns the passionless with its all embracing light. Open out your arms and feel your true self fly free from the illusionous bonds you wrap around your wrists. All these fears and self doubts are yours to alleviate if you were to but choose upon a more truthful state of being. Let not the venomous viper's tongue of the witless, passionless, sinical, elitist, power hungry, scared mongrels dissuade you from you divine right to be the most natural state of you and love yourself enough to enjoy it. Your heart gives purposeful direction, where as their wonton greed and and fleeting instant gratification nearly drowns them in the inky, black tar their cold object-obtaining logic would have them breathe in."
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
February 8, 2016
Often times I take great comfort in not knowing everything, but when the sudden desire strikes me to know, its a battle of destressing and becoming overwhelmed. I fight this all the time, and become wiser for it, but if I don't fight I know I will become nothing more than the lesser fears constructed by my mind; and existence that doesn't do well to acknowledge the spirit of my life. So naturally, I keep my sword of heart and armor of love close to my banner of hope and my spear of honor.