April 27, 2016
Hello beautiful people of the world! Recently I have come to the conclusion that the most important thing for me to do right now is focus on my goals and myself. There has been a boom in marriages, kids, and parings amongst my generation and I too have been feeling the tug of that ever so wonderful thing known as a woman's biological clock. However, as nice as it is to put one's self out there and ideally find some strapping young man, I find the notion not as simple nor as rewarding as what lay before my eyes when ever I log into the sweet, headache inducing social media. Granted I am young but I find myself transitioning into certain states of being quicker than expected.
So, the current love's of my life happen to be my family and the written word. As far as that previously mentioned strapping young man, that I'm afraid will have to wait. As nice as my previous encounters are with former flames, they either served as, sadly, distractions or nay-sayers to my goals and dreams. It's an odd thing to come to this moment. I feel kinda like one of those women in a book who swear off men and just get their own life together living with themselves and all their accomplishments. Unfortunately this view is frowned upon still, because often times these type of women are depicted to be in their 30 to 40's who just gave up after a string of serial dating mishaps and now the only males in their life that they take care of are either cats or dogs.
Well, I am skipping the serial dating and wrapping my world around the family I still have to love and my goals in life. And you know what, it feels good to come to this point. This isn't a post to swear off men or to destroy the thought of becoming a future wife for some worthy guy, but to show that it is alright to have goals and it is alright to measure what is more important and more realistically fruitful to invest one's time in whether the investor be a lady or a gentleman. There are so many wonderful feelings in the world and being with a person that you see something more in is one of them. Hell, that was one of my first dreams when I was younger because I graced this world with the eyes of a romantic who loves deeply all she can. However, there are just some things you cannot force, one of them being the connection with someone that is backed with the impact of something real and truthful to both parties.
So, this lovely post is meant to empower not only myself but hopefully anyone else who feels that they must be with somebody to live a decent life, or any person that is feeling the pressure of finding someone in that way. It will come on it's own time when you are ready and, in the most serendipitous way possible, when you least expect it. Why? Because that's just the way these things work, perhaps not all the time, but as far as I can understand it anyway. There is no pressure, you do you, and enjoy the feeling of working for what you love and that's it. Life is meant to be lived pared off or not. Plus, all good to those who wait.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
April 25, 2016
Optimism is a sweet flavor but rare to procure when you are at the cusp of new experience. There is a distinct feeling to that type of sadness. IT is like a constant dull throb in the center of your chest. You start to slowly weaken and don't realize it until you look in the mirror one day and see the way your face kinda falls far after you offer yourself a mock smile. Why is this? Why does the heart give such a dull ache that exponentioally tears you apart as the days go by. Why does it have to hurt so much? Ah, what is it so feel. Ranges of emotions cascade like nerves that twinge at every sound and sensation that serves as a reminder. The things they ruined with the audacity to think selfishly turn to dust in your mouth and sours your smile.
The only cures for such an affliction is to continue. Then you take back all that they have tainted, all that you have let them taint. As much as possible, as much as you can, don't do it out of spite. Spite, anger, and hatred are the patches that let the blood of hurt cause a cancerous tumor underneath. You must take it back and own your pain. They caused it yes, but if you take control of it your realize it's your pain you feel. it's yours. It's a part of you that inevitably you must surpass, however there needs to be steps to surpass it. You must take the time to lance your heart's infected emotional tissue to fully heal. It's hard though because you don't want to feel; you don't want to break that dam and make that river flow. It is a fear that once you fall apart you won't be able to stop and you'll fall apart until their is nothing left. But that fear is a lie. The truth is that you learn to pick yourself up and you never wait for someone else to do it for you. The more you keep it in the more you hurt yourself internally, and if you can sustain your pain, you can overcome it.
So own it, these tears, these screams, the heart wrenching emotions of a hope for something you have longed for since you were young being snatched from you. Don't become numb as those who hurt others without conscious and then move along with their life. Dare to feel more than they could even imagine. You are not strong if you have only ever felt happiness and joy, you are not strong if you have only ever known ease and comfort, you are strong because you stare pain in the face and say, "Embrace me, old friend, and let us know one another again."
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
April 23, 2016
One beautiful thing I have been learning about lately is that no matter how much you try, there are going to be those days where you just have to push on with where you want to be in life and what you truly want to do. Not every one is going to support you and your decisions in life, but that's ok. Support from others is nice and extremely empowering but it is even more empowering if you support and believe in yourself. It's like your being tested by all the ney-sayers along with the people who try to knock you in a different direction. It makes such an irritating impact, so much that you begin to see those who really are interested in helping you move forward with your dreams and ambitions.
You have the dream, you work it how you want to. Any one who wants to impede you in that is just the universe's way of testing your conviction. This is yours, your baby, your hopes, and your dreams. Go for it and don't let anyone try to tell you that it will never pan out r that it's all a joke. You want this, so go for it.
No one really knows who you are or what you want to do unless they actually take the time to get to know your heart and all it's yearnings. So, all the words they spout and all the discussions they tote at you as they try to steal that spark in your eyes, is just air to CO2 ready to be changed into some valuable oxygen you may need for when you are achieving your dreams.
April 15, 2016
So a beautiful realization I hadn't realized in a long time just hit me like a tun of feathers. Usually, i would encourage a person to control their emotions and contain themselves whilst they think about the situation and come to terms with certain realities. Well, just because you come to terms with certain realities, that doesn't mean your gonna stop being angry, hurt, sad, or any of the other emotions that are not desired. Usually, usually, the unfavorable emotions pass when I better understand a situation, or person; lately, however, I have understood all to well, but that doesn't make the follies I was subjected to excusable. That doesn't mean I should become basically a martyr to my understandings and just discount the fact that I felt hurt, discontented, cheated, and easily pushed aside.
Now, I would not suggest anyone linger in those emotions, however, they don't just go away. They have an energy about them that lingers and if not dealt with can cause some serious damage, slowly. Why slowly? Slowly, because it gets stored, not stuffed, but stored in the back of your mind as the memories of 'that person' or 'that situation' always hold a bitter sting as they get triggered on the regular day to day. It's the little things that count, as I have mentioned in other posts; so, you figure, you have a little twinge of pain, that may start to shape your entire life until you are in the throws of the most undesirable emotion of all: depression.
So, I say to anyone that has a greater understanding of someone and their follies and have been hurt by them: feel that anger. Let it tear through you like an unforgivable tornado battling the tyrant of the rain, cry those sweet, sweet tears of excruciating sadness, bellow out all the rage in an open field, let all the things you wanted to say fly from your mouth in a room with just you and your bed, ask the ever biting question of why in total agony, and do it all shamelessly so because you are not meant to be happy about everything. You are not meant to except things that are fucked up and be happy about it. You feel. You are allowed to be angry. It just shows that you are no longer allowing things to slide, because it's time for you not to. And after your sweet moment of neutralizing that negative energy with action, curl up and rest a bit, or bust out some lovely, good food, or even pop in a movie you love, and enjoy the things, those little things, that make your life 100% better in the smallest, sincere way. Why? Because, it's yours and you deserve to be happy. Though you can't always achieve it, you deserve to be blissfully, peacefully, truly, and unequivocally happy.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
April 13, 2016
You cannot tame my passionate soul,
You may as well dance with it,
Soon igniting a flame within you.
I would not place you on a pedestal,
Yet I so easily trip over the one,
You constructed for me with your bare fantasies.
If my feelings were to ever touch your lips,
The LSD trip would take you to worlds,
And out of the comfort of the zone you call home.
Anger and hatred would do you and I no justice,
For each feeling is empty and as painfully easy to fall upon,
As the interest you lost along with your will fight.
I cannot deny my understanding of you,
Nor can I cast aside this wretched, tiring ache,
Inspired by the toying done to the sincerity of my heart.
My edges will soften, and harsh shall wisdom be polished,
But the battles I fight are born of 'what if' and 'if only',
In the same breath that bore the weight of 'who cares anyway'.
This bitter sweet malice that drips from the same tongue,
That made you see stars has the capability to cut you so deep,
However I save my razor words for a battle of wit that brings a passion I can actually savour for a while.
There are points in time where you feel the weight of all you see, feel, and know around you. These moments can be triggered by anything. You loose you breath at the same time as your chest feels outstretched. You feel the stiffness in your tensed throat and you wish you could stop the sensation of irritability that is slowly making it's way up your spine and to your ears making every little sound and every little phrase feel like a personal disservice to your mind. It's like an odd mixture of anxiety, distress, and panic. When that arises in me, I will just simply state, "I need a moment."
The interesting part about this is that it helps so much. To separate yourself from a stressful situation for but a moment to occupy a space that is without any other complex person about you, is one of the most centering things ever. In this you are free to make the faces of distain that you have painfully been hiding behind your mask of no-opinion, universal-exceptance, you can say all the things that you were holding back deep down in your throat in one relieving breathe, you can fall to the floor and enjoy not having to sustain gravity on your shoulders for a bit, and most importantly, the tears that you had been painfully choking back, for the sake of some social dignity, can flow from you freely in a set of wrenching sobs or a quick crumble of the face. In that moment you demand, then rightfully take, you can still yourself long enough to fill your lungs with the air they so need; you can finally breathe.
Whether it comes before or after, taking a breath is what grounds me. Being in a room of people who are too concerned with the supply of air for their gossip or being in a situations where you are stressed and frustrated, can suck the very air from you. So don't let it. Demand your moment, take it, rid yourself of the mire that builds in your body and enjoy the freeing feeling of a breathe taken not out of pure bodily necessity, but emotional clarity as well.
Your breathe, you breathing, shows that you are still alive carrying on, but where and how you take it determines whether or not you want to go on.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
April 8, 2016
This morning, to my utter delight, when i stepped outside i was greeted with the lovely scent of petrichor that was being spread by the wind through the trees and straight to my just-woken face. It was like magic, for it transported me to when I was just a little third grader every one starred at after school because I waited for my mother in the cool rain instead of taking refuge under the canopy. Then, I was again taken to the moment right before i would head to the gates of my middle school where i would stop and admire the mystical mist that would gather in the orchards just across the street. There the cool air would pinch my cheeks and my lungs would fill with that sweet petrichor sent.
These small things, so dear to my heart, have not greeted me in a long time. It seems that in times of struggle or hardship, we cling to moments and quiet comforts that are so special and all to ourselves, but when we progress beyond that time of pain, we can leave these things behind. It's like we forget; I forgot. I was never the type of child to see the world in the view of how my parents and society painted it. I looked for the 'More' in everything before it became a nessecity for coping, as well as in the future, a seeking mechanism of beauty and character. There is a connection there that I, as well as every thing, moment, and living entity, am apart of something more. I forgot that feeling, and remembered the concept, however, fate and destiny have a way of making you remember just at the right moments when you need it most. I tell you what, I am so thankful for it because I know I needed it.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~
April 5, 2016
This time, it is not the silence that is deafening. It's the rapidity of my thoughts as the zoom about the air around me, hoping to catch a glimpse of reason and understanding. I feel tired; like that bone deep kind of tired that not only makes your bones ache but also calls your emotions to dance about bringing up wast moments spanning in useless infinite circles of stagnant from a couple seconds ago to my childhood.
Thusly, i have come to the conclusion that i am in a reflection period. My essence is wanting me too realise something i am not seeing though it may hang right before my eyes. Sight is ever changing and life is rolling so I can't afford to stand still in my miring thoughts. I can't afford to just let them continue in infinite circles of stagnant motion and infinite should never be the goal. Eternal is my spirit, is my love, and i can't stay in one spiritual attitude whilst the world makes its motions of change. These things i can do and will do.
Most people won't recognize this without a series of grunts and groans as a way to describe that their life has taken some turn for the lack-luster tone that fills their ears. Much of the same look on life I have has held this. No matter how happy I am with the miniscule moments of instant gratification or the greater moments being with one who makes my heart smile, there is no cure for it sought out side myself. I don't know about other people, but I can't rely on outside sources because those aren't garenteedto stick around so its better i learn how to shine my own life and be pleasantly surprised when the gift of bright stars light from the outside in to my heart for a change.
April 3, 2016
I wish you could hold me.
Float me too a time,
Where ears are not,
Just the addition.
Muffle the booming voices,
of an already loud place,
So I can hear your whisper.
Carry me to a remote island,
So that i may know its fruits,
And taste the difference.
Guide my heart,
To your sandy shores of love,
So that our commiseration,
May unfold with our hearts.
Hold me, please.
What whispers from scarred heart that all can hear. Is it a whimper; is it a shout; is it a cold cry longing to be loved? No, it is a cynical hope that we say to the air when no one is around. Love is something we know we are capable of and willing to share but we have an understanding of the rest of the world that every one is afraid to be betrayed and afraid to even try.
We should always try, even if fear still lingers.
But why, right? What is the point? Why try, when at every turn and at every crossing we hit a block that weakens our spirit and constantly weighs on our shoulders like the very baggage every person jokes about, carries, and judges another for? What can we possibly reach if we stick our hand in the dark and try to touch the idea of a flickering light that holds a hue that unlocks ours?
Even further, how can you show love to someone who refuses to touch the exotic leaves of love for fear of the side effects of the wrong leaf?
What would I do? I would give it a try non the less, and give my love on on levels freely. Why? Because i don't care about the fear, of the loss, or the hurt. It is a risk that is taken out of hope and love inherently. The love i have, the love that I know courses through my veins, serves for a greater purpose than to stay locked up to my self, shuttered in by every doubt placed there by all those who weren't able to except the depth of feeling as well as the strength of it all. I have a hope that will stay, always.
~Thoughts of a Dreamer~