May 31, 2016

The Side Effects Of Loving From A Distance

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Now, if you recall that post I wrote called "To Love from A Distance", it was the idea that you still harbor a free type love for a person you feel for or that has hurt you but you still love. This idea isn't fool proof, in fact, as idea's go, it has side effects. These side effects are seen when you start to be pushed into a new state of being through the infamous Changes of Life. The side effect is: one can get too used to loving from a distance because they are used to never having their deep feelings reciprocated; however, when it is indeed reciprocated, it can be frightening because it's new ground, it's love so it's full of messy erratic emotions, your fantasy is broken by the blunt force trauma of reality, and you actually have an opportunity to go somewhere as apposed to staying in the safe state of "I will always love you".
The question you have got to ask your self is, what happens when I fall in love with someone else and the love is actually truely reciprocated and from a deeper and more true place than any other I have silently loved? It would be wise to ask this question before you actually fall in love with someone and realize it after the fact. Of course one would think that that is the time to let go of old, but unless you are a very excepting, realistic, go-with-the-flow type of person, that could be hard because of the comfort of all you know. Another question is, how do you know that the love your willing to jeopardize your comfort and mental well being for is actually real and worth it?
The phrase, "you just know," does it no justice even though it is technically a real truth, I have found. What it is, is a sense of peace and a feeling of completeness, also a deep, deep, deep, feeling inside that you have telling you that you are on the right path. Your mind can only interpret the feeling by breaking it up into a sad clump of words that don't really seem to make sense in that order, or even together, but your heart can embrace it like a cool breeze that washes over you after a hard days work. Your mind and your heart and meant to be working together: your mind being the realisticness and interpretation for understanding as well as your questions and ideas, but your heart is that b one deep truth that cannot be washed away, denied, or cut out; just not chosen to be acted upon. The heart gets a bad rap because it is a feeling machine and, for all clarity, I don't mean the actual muscle, I mean the core of your self, your center, that part you cover when in pain that torturously refuses to break bones. That is your heart, and it has the capability to take you to the vast depths of emotional being but at the same time rise to help you overcome every ounce of anguish with a mad drive and determination.
So, when you are deciding to let someone go because you understand now what it is to not only love, but truly be loved in return, it's not that your cutting the piece of your heart with that former love out, it's that you keep their mark and you give your heart riddled with scars and tattooed imprints of possible futures to your future and you let them love it all the same. It's not a good bye, because there are never any true good bye's, there is never an end but a progression due to change; the end is an illusion, for there always is, always was, and always shall be what is. So, it's a declaration of "I refuse to wrap myself around you any further, there will be that love for you still in my heart, but my heart itself, belongs to another."
It's not sad, it's not happy, it is the very essence of balance and peace. You may want to have a dramatic good bye, and a hard core scene where you fall to the floor and do heart wrenching sobs as you pack away that picture and close that chapter, but there is no true need for that. It is truly a beautiful and wholesome process that shows strength, especially because of what your doing it for. It's for yourself, your true love, and the one you decided to love even when you got nothing. It savors as an essence of more and a telling of what a true heart is capable of. It is a beautiful thing to behold.

~Thoughts of a Dreamer~

May 15, 2016

The Accomplished We Make

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So, in my many study of what success means to people and what it feels like for other people, I have to say i do agree with Jared Leto and his understanding that the successful part of all the work that you have done to get to that point of achievement is enjoyable, but not the end. People have remarked that that I have finally achieved my dreams, and I have just begun.
I have successfully self-published two anthologies of poetry, with a definite guarantee for another on deeper human emotions and perceptions, and am working on a string of novellas. The really rewarding thing, I feel, is to have the knowledge that I, in fact, can accomplish my dreams. The ability is there withing my very will and to see that is a beautiful thing. Forget the petty narcissism and the empty desire to be acknowledged for the accomplishments one has made; there resides in myself something deeper than that. That deeper thing has got me here, and yes, though there is a part of me that wants to be like, "OK, I have done some of what I want to do, time to sleep for ages," I refuse to leave something that is so precious to me unfinished because it is common to think that the start of something is 'good enough'. That would be a complete disgrace to all the work, all the stress, all the falls, and all the rises that took me to get here. So, I refuse to stop, and happily so at that. I have started it and I am here, so i must continue.

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My first works: Here


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My second works: Here

Both of these links are also on my page "Works of a Dreamer"

~Thoughts of a Dreamer~

May 13, 2016

The Sting of the Wait

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I am a 20 year old woman who is learning the ways of life, and well, as I have said, they're hard. Oh, and there is nothing more humbling than being reminded about how little you know, about anything. I am one to give advice to people who need it by seeing their problem and pointing out the solution, Sometimes all a person needs is the view detached from their mired mind and chaotic emotions to really grasp at what it is that they must do; then it's just about working up the nerve to do it.
But what happens when the one who gives the advice is put into the unique position where the action needed to solve her problem is in fact the basic action of no action pertaining to the problem at all? What if she was just meant to wait? Wait? WAIT?? Ugh, it is sheer torture! On a less comical note this is one hell of a brick of humility.
The thing about advice and it's giving is that you posses a level of detachment so the other person has clarity and so that you don't get destroyed yourself for their pain. It is a very fine line, a very sensitive window, and very thin ice to be treading across because, if you aren't careful, you drown in all their emotions. Detachment in one's life in general can be one of the best things to maintain, however it can't always be maintained. The walls of the dam are made of materials that were born to deteriorate, so that when the time comes, something better can stand in it's place. Well, my damn, dam broke and my heart is overflowing all over my sanity, calm, happiness, "plans", and the rest of my organs; all because i am forced to be in a position of waiting and functioning while I wait for something spectacular to grace the tips of my fingers and the tips of my tongue. What i have been dreaming of since i was but a little romantic five year old who saw the world as a beautiful adventure is signed and sealed, but awaiting the opportune moment for actual delivery. What is cruelty and what is torture, if not this? What needs to specifically get done in order for the reception of a blessing beyond the very fabric of expression? What are the legitimate steps i need to follow in order for that key to properly turn to open that one door? I don't have the faintest clue, and i have this aching suspicion that i won't either, not until i have already fulfilled said requirements and i have attained the reason for my heart beat.
Though this is one of the most irritating things i could do to myself at the moment, i will do this because, well, what the hell: I gotta ask myself what advice i would give...myself. The reason why it irritates is because of it's simplicity. Being wrapped in emotions and then giving yourself advice is the most irritating thing, especially when you are right. I have done this on accident on a few occasions, so why not take control of that and do it on purpose for a change?
Ok, here is what i would say, "If what you are waiting for is worth it, then you have only the choice to wait in a good way or a bad way. You can linger about emotion stricken and sullen all day, or you can prepare yourself for what's coming to you by becoming the best person you can be. I am not saying to stuff your emotions because that gets you no where but a world of hurt in the future. You deal with your emotions by feeling them and then deciding why you feel the way you do and if it's purposeful to your daily life function to consume yourself with them every day. There is a wait for a reason, there is time in between life changing things for a reason, and you are meant to develop better for the life changing times so that you are ready for them. You may say that you are ready, but if yo were and if the time was right there would be no need for the wait. So for now, all you need to do is have that knowing that that something wonderful is coming your way and work on yourself until then. There is no rush and don't try to push it or it will become tainted and just continue to cause you agony. Find peace with the wat and before you know it, it'll be right before your very eyes at an arms length."
Yep, that was extremely irritating and vexing at the same time, but damn it, it's true. I hope this helps anyone in a similar situation of dealing with the infamous "Wait" we all must undergo at some point in our life.

~Thoughts of a Dreamer~

May 1, 2016

Learning For Love

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So there is this lovely thing life had to offer. It is something that involves time, change, growth, and coming full circle. It seems when you are in a position of ignorance, life will deal you a few lessons regarding the thing you want most. Such things never come on your time, that is the hardest thing to learn. There are those that are all for forcing something into existence, only to find that what they had invested in wasn't all that worth it. On the other hand, there are those things that are wanted so bad but abandoned out of fear and pure impatience. So much opportunities are lost when fear is left to run amuck inside your heart. Loves can be lost and hopes can be quickly tarnished as the thriving root of fear spreads its way to your nerves, causing the partial paralysis of your heart. Such a state is cold but it is "safe". Such a word would usually be a comfort except for the fact that people who are root-deep in their comfort zone use this word all to often.
It is only when we decide to break away from that fear that we see the true picture. When ever we decide to break away from fear, there doesn't have to be a big, grandiose jester to symbolize your breaking away. It may take time. Little victories that consist of  overcoming an insecurity, sticking up for things you believe in, speaking strongly and confidently, and then before you know it, you are looking at a situation you experienced, what seemed like ages ago, with a fresh pare of eyes and understanding.
Those moments can be so humbling. You start to see that the tings you claimed to be confident in were actually the things you were scared of most and all the reasons you decided the way you did were just your blatant ignorance dealing you a solid blow to the future you's gut. "Fool," you whisper to yourself, not scream, not holler, not blame on another, just a whisper because it is as undeniable as the wrench that twists your guts as you actualize the truth of your actions.
The only comfort, I feel, in those times of great shame, is when you can redeem yourself and make it right. Hope pulls at every atom of your exitance to make right what you can, what you dare. One would only need to want it.